Tonight, I completely lost my temper when Mia rudely interrupted me non-stop while I was reading her a passage from the Bible. It is not that Mia does not like this time, because she makes it clear that she does like it anytime I forget to read it to her. It is simply that she wants me to listen to her right at the moment the sounds begin to leave her mouth. Sometimes those sounds seem to not stop for hours at a time. I can only take so much rudeness in one day.
After I left the room and she cried out to me, " I will respect you next time" with a sad, almost desperate, little voice, I felt like the worst mother in the universe. Damn, this job is hard. One minute you are reading a story being a good mom, the next you are screaming and being a beastly mom. I feel like I have multiple personalities sometimes.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
Motherhood
So, at the advice of wise bloggers, one at a time it is.
My recent experiences as a mother have been rather trying in the patience department. They have also made me realize that being a mother is more than just feeding, clothing, and housing your child. It is quite a bit about laying down your own desires to make sure that you are raising up a healthy, well rounded little one.
Mia has really been struggling with behaving. I realize that part of it is her age, but I also feel that some of it is a manifestation of what she is feeling on the inside about the separation. I have been seeing the anger brewing beneath the surface for some time, but it only reared it's head every once in awhile. In the past month, I have seen it rear it's head daily. She hits, kicks, scratches, pulls hair, calls people stupid and she uses the phrase " I hate" about a million times a day. She seems to have completely lost her ability to hear, if the voice making the request is an adult's voice.
I have my father's gift of patience...he has almost none. I think maybe all 4 of us got this gift. Anna and Bryan seem to have more than me and Rachel, but this is not saying much. All of this nasty behavior leaves me wanting to scream and tear out my hair and maybe stick a fork in my eye. That is if Mia is lucky and I inflict myself first. The other option is me losing my temper, yelling, and wanting to beat her.
So...I have started with a basic first step: reinstate the bedtime routine. I figure a routine of any sort is good, and I feel that she needs more sleep. None of us function well with sleep deprivation, and we certainly don't handle life changing stress with too little sleep. Why should I expect my 5 year to handle things better than an adult? This has also given me 30 minutes of cuddling, reading her books, reading her the Bible and praying for her. She really seems to like that time. I know this sounds simple, but as a single mom, this means I have to give up things in order to make bedtime happen. It has meant laying down worship practice, giving up late nights with friends , and/or finding a sitter that can get her in bed for anything I do that extends past her bedtime.
I also realize how much attention she is longing for from me. She told me recently after I had 2 phone calls in a row that she was going to take a hammer and break my phone. She has specifically asked me not to make phone calls while we are riding in the car together. I assure you this is not a safety issue for Mia. I am having to constantly ask the Lord to show me what steps I need to take in order to bring healing to my little one's heart. I know it is broken. She prays frequently for her Poppa to come home. I pray for wisdom on how to respond.
Being a mommy is a lot more than I imagined. I am now praying for compassion, mercy, and love that is beyond anything I have ever experienced. I want to be able to extend this to her in this time of transition. I have to remember that when this household blew up in August, there was a very small victim and she needs me to help her find her way through the rubble back to wholeness.
My recent experiences as a mother have been rather trying in the patience department. They have also made me realize that being a mother is more than just feeding, clothing, and housing your child. It is quite a bit about laying down your own desires to make sure that you are raising up a healthy, well rounded little one.
Mia has really been struggling with behaving. I realize that part of it is her age, but I also feel that some of it is a manifestation of what she is feeling on the inside about the separation. I have been seeing the anger brewing beneath the surface for some time, but it only reared it's head every once in awhile. In the past month, I have seen it rear it's head daily. She hits, kicks, scratches, pulls hair, calls people stupid and she uses the phrase " I hate" about a million times a day. She seems to have completely lost her ability to hear, if the voice making the request is an adult's voice.
I have my father's gift of patience...he has almost none. I think maybe all 4 of us got this gift. Anna and Bryan seem to have more than me and Rachel, but this is not saying much. All of this nasty behavior leaves me wanting to scream and tear out my hair and maybe stick a fork in my eye. That is if Mia is lucky and I inflict myself first. The other option is me losing my temper, yelling, and wanting to beat her.
So...I have started with a basic first step: reinstate the bedtime routine. I figure a routine of any sort is good, and I feel that she needs more sleep. None of us function well with sleep deprivation, and we certainly don't handle life changing stress with too little sleep. Why should I expect my 5 year to handle things better than an adult? This has also given me 30 minutes of cuddling, reading her books, reading her the Bible and praying for her. She really seems to like that time. I know this sounds simple, but as a single mom, this means I have to give up things in order to make bedtime happen. It has meant laying down worship practice, giving up late nights with friends , and/or finding a sitter that can get her in bed for anything I do that extends past her bedtime.
I also realize how much attention she is longing for from me. She told me recently after I had 2 phone calls in a row that she was going to take a hammer and break my phone. She has specifically asked me not to make phone calls while we are riding in the car together. I assure you this is not a safety issue for Mia. I am having to constantly ask the Lord to show me what steps I need to take in order to bring healing to my little one's heart. I know it is broken. She prays frequently for her Poppa to come home. I pray for wisdom on how to respond.
Being a mommy is a lot more than I imagined. I am now praying for compassion, mercy, and love that is beyond anything I have ever experienced. I want to be able to extend this to her in this time of transition. I have to remember that when this household blew up in August, there was a very small victim and she needs me to help her find her way through the rubble back to wholeness.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Just for the *%#! of it
So, just to make you all feel a little better, I am writing. I really am too tired to say much of great worth right now though. I am hoping that this will end the blogging constipation that I seem to be suffering .
My plan is to write on a number of things:
1. My recent lessons on motherhood
2. My trip to Monroe Park/prayer for the African-American community
3. My precious Mema
Ok...now that it is laid out like this, I feel obligated to write. I hope that will be tomorrow.
My plan is to write on a number of things:
1. My recent lessons on motherhood
2. My trip to Monroe Park/prayer for the African-American community
3. My precious Mema
Ok...now that it is laid out like this, I feel obligated to write. I hope that will be tomorrow.
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