The Desires of My Heart

Some days the monotony of everyday life sneaks in and rubs out the images of desire in my heart. Some days, I feel like this is it...this is the life that I am going to lead..right here in Richmond, VA. Not that there is a thing wrong with my life. I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing for this time. I am a mommy, a teacher to my girl, a rather involved auntie, a sister, a friend. These are good things...I even believe that they are God's best for me at the moment.

BUT...this is not all there is to it. There is more coming. I do not know when, for only He knows the perfect timing of my life and His plans for me....but there is more. For days now, the passions and desires of my heart have been screaming at me...they will not be silenced by monotony. They refuse to be forgotten. They cause an ache in my heart that I cannot ignore.

There is a deep desire in my heart to be in the prayer room at a house of prayer...to sit in the presence of the mighty God and minister to Him. There is a call ,that is too loud to ignore, to lead worship, to sing songs of love and truth to the Father, about the Father, His Son and His beautiful Holy Spirit. And when I really let my heart go and dream big...I want to do this in prayer rooms planted all across the globe.

And then there is India. I want to minister to the poorest of the poor...to be in the dirt with them,to live real life with them, to serve them, to love them, to share His love with them. There is a tug in my heart for Nepal, for Tibet, oh let's be real here...just send me to Asia God!

And then...the orphans, the widows, the trafficked, the pre-born....my heart cries out for justice. I desire that the broken hearted would be healed, the captives would be set free, the babies would be born and loved and cared for..adopted into families who long for them.
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And all of this is in addition to the beautiful gift of loving and raising my precious Mia.

I feel like the voice of my desire has been so loud and so unrelenting, that maybe if I write it all down, it will hush a bit. But honestly, I feel my heart is just stirred even more for the things that God has planned for me.
The scripture that keeps coming up lately...for me, for others I am praying for... is this one:

Jeremiah 29:11-13

New King James Version (NKJV)

¹¹ For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

So...I will call upon Him, I will pray to Him, I will seek Him, and I will search for Him with my whole heart...and He promises, I will find Him. He will lead me into the life He has for me. He will guide me. He will align my desires to His, because He has the very best for me. In this, I am confident.

So....I will let the desires shout and I will not silence them. 

True Love

Tonight I had a blip of revelation about true love...perfect love. I had the absolute pleasure of going to a party with some friends tonight. I was surrounded by folks who live a very different lifestyle than I do. As I looked at each face and listened to them chat with each other, I felt a sweetness in my heart toward them. Not because of anything they did...it was just a feeling. As I drove home, it hit me what that feeling was...it was love. The kind of love that loves without condition. The kind of love that sees deep into a heart, beyond choices, beyond  lifestyle...and sees the beauty of the person. 

It says in Song of Solomon 1:5 " I am dark, but lovely." In this brief comment, the Shulamite is saying that she sees her darkness, the dark blotches of sin on her heart YET she knows that to her Beloved, she is lovely. He sees past her current state and He sees the person He created her to be. He says she has value, that she is a treasure. He sees her, not as man sees her , but He sees deep into her heart.

Tonight, I think I felt a bit of His love like that for others. I saw past the lifestyle and into the heart. I felt the depth of His love for His creation...and it was sweet. Love...perfect love...there is nothing else like it.

A Reminder

I love the Christmas season. I love buying gifts. I love twinkling lights. I love decorating the tree. I love being with my wild, crazy, and unique family. I love thinking on the birth of Christ at Christmas, no matter what time of year He was actually born. I love the hustle and bustle of being busier at work. I really do love it.

BUT...it is so easy to get caught up in the business of life, of doing and going and working, that I forget that I was made to "be". Like Mary of Bethany, who chose the good part, I was made to know God. I was made to sit and listen. I was made for a relationship with the Creator of the universe. I was made to worship, to love, to follow after Him. As I sat in the quiet this morning, worshiping and praying, I was reminded. David said it in Psalm 27.

Psalm 27:4
One thing I have desired of the Lord, that will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord,
And to inquire in His temple.

It is good to be busy, to enjoy it, to make money, to shop, to decorate and all the other things that come with every day life and the increased intensity of those things that come in December, BUT it is more important to be reminded that this is not the thing that makes life full. This is not what satisfies the human heart. This is not what I was made to do full speed ahead day after day after day. My satisfaction comes from the Living God. My satisfaction comes from knowing that I am loved by the One who created me. My satisfaction comes in knowing that I was made to know Him and to reveal His incredible, unconditional love to others.

Today, I am thankful for the reminder that life is not all about going and doing and buying and selling and running here and there...it is about so much more than all of that. There is One who is worthy of my time, my devotion. When I sit with Him in the quiet, He realigns my heart, my thinking, my purposes, and I am then able to face the world with His heart and His eyes. I can love with His heart, see with His perspective, and I can more successfully put the first commandment in first place. For only then, can I even consider the second greatest commandment. Jesus said in Matthew 22,

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind
This is the first and great commandment.
And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.

So today, I start afresh with the reminder that He is first..always. He is my calling and my purpose. When I put Him first, everything else falls into place.

Transition

Life is full of transitions, changing from one way of doing things to another. We are forever dealing with changes, whether it is at home, at work, at church, at our favorite stores...or within our relationships with others. Change is always happening. If it happens all the time, why is it so incredibly hard? Why do we stiffen ourselves, refusing to bend, refusing to be flexible, refusing to humble ourselves and admit that sometimes our  old ways may not be the best ways anymore? I wonder...is it pride? Is it fear? No one likes to admit that someone else's ways may be better. Don't fool yourself...you struggle with it too haha! No one likes to move out of the ways that are familiar and comfortable. It is scary! Learning new things is hard.

And yet, when I really step back and look at all the times that I chose to not bend, it is ugly. My own pride reared it's nasty head. Self righteousness and a know it all attitude usually follows on the heels of my pride. Then, the mean Amy jumps out and shocks me! I sometimes try to forget that she is in here...but, friends, she is still hanging out in here. She just doesn't show up quite as often these days.

Recently, I have been faced with transition. I think this time around, I will try the flexible, humble route. It seems to me that it works better for everybody, including me, and I am pretty sure it is quite a bit more Christ like than my natural tendency toward self righteousness and meanness! And who knows, maybe I will learn something  in the process and even make new friends.

Thankful

Tonight, as I sit in a warm house, with a full belly, I am thankful for the luxuries of having a place to live and the money to buy food. I am thankful for clothes for all seasons..whether it is hot or cold. As I sit in my parent's house, which has been opened to Mia and me as our own, I am thankful for family. I am thankful for the beautiful gift of a mom and a dad, who love me and care for me and my daughter.  Tomorrow, I will have the pleasure of eating an abundance of food with my family...parents, sisters, brother, nieces, nephew, aunts, uncles, cousins, my Mema, and my Mia. I am thankful for the deep connection and sense of belonging that comes with my family.

This sense of thankfulness also happens to intensify the pain in my heart for the orphans in our nation and all across the earth who do not have a home to call their own, a room to call their own, or a family to call their own. Just this week, I learned of a need for sweaters and blankets for  some orphans in India. They have a loving group of adults to care for them in an orphanage, but the finances are tight and provision does not always come so easily when you are caring for 130 orphans. I also listened to a foster mom of 5, here in Richmond, share the stories of pain and abuse that she has encountered in her time as a foster parent. No child should EVER experience the things I heard about.

So with my thankfulness comes a desire to reach out to those who are in need of food, warmth, family and love. I will pray for extra funds to help with blankets and sweaters (and He answered already with  a gift today!), and I will pray for children who are wounded and in desperate need of love, acceptance and healing. I will ask the Lord how I can partner with Him to be hope to the hopeless.

I feel certain that I am not so richly blessed so that I can greedily hoard it for myself.  I desire to give it away...and the more He gives me, the more I make, the more I will give. It brings me great pleasure. And really, if I am going to intercede on the behalf of these kids, should I not be a part of the answer to the prayer, if I am able?

Being Content

I should totally be packing, as Mia and I will be leaving tomorrow to visit a friend for a few days. BUT...in true Amy fashion, I am procrastinating. I hate to pack, and I can excuse waiting to pack tonight, because most of my clothes are still in the dryer. So, while I procrastinate, I thought I would throw down a few thoughts that have been rattling around in my brain for the past 2 days.

I am struggling to put my thoughts into words. They fly around in my mind like tissue paper being blown by a breeze. It is difficult to grasp them, like I have to chase down every. single. one! Ugh!

I want to talk about being content with one's self. Pretty much since my separation and divorce, I have been learning to be content with myself. I was in a relationship with the same man for 19 years prior to our separation. I  had never really been alone. I liked being married. I liked the companionship. I liked being able to share hopes and dreams with someone. I liked never having to be alone. I liked always having my very best friend right there with me. So when those things were taken away from me, I had to learn how to like me...just me...by myself. Of course, I had my little Mia with me, but you all know what I mean. In the last 5 years, I have really learned to be content with being single. I have learned to like myself. I have learned a lot of things about myself that I did not even know were there or that had been pushed aside during my relationship. Some things are silly, like I really love flip flops and toe nail polish. Some things are a bit more fantastic, like I am actually rather bold and adventurous and enjoy packing up Mia and our stuff and traveling. I am saying all of this because I have been learning the value of enjoying the person that I am, the person that I was made to be, and I am discovering more about myself all of the time. I have learned that I do not, in fact, need a man. Now, don't freak out and think I have gone all crazy and feminist. What I mean is that I can be alone and be ok. I am happy, with or without a spouse. I am content.

I think because I have been walking through this, when I see someone who is so desperately striving to find a partner to make them happy, it stands out like a sore thumb to me. My heart aches for those who cannot be happy for one moment alone. I want so much to share with them how precious and valuable they are..how very likeable...if they would only take the time to get to know themselves.An example is a guy I know. He is perpetually on the search for a woman. This guy is kind, soft spoken, generous and a hard worker. He is a good guy. He takes his whole heart and pours it into women who are not interested or who want to take advantage of his good nature. Then, when they "just want to be friends", he is crushed, depressed and even at times, suicidal. It really breaks my heart. He simply cannot be happy alone. I pray for him. It is all I know to do.

I don't know that this thought has an end. I think this is just a few pieces of that tissue paper. I guess I just wish there was a way to show people that it is ok to be alone. It is even good to be alone for a time. I am not saying that I want to always be alone. I do think that one day, I will be married again. But for now, I am content. My time alone has opened my eyes and taught me many things.

Now, I better go get those clothes out of the dryer and go to bed. I can only procrastinate for so long.

Family

Earlier this week, my boss's mother passed away. My heart aches for her loss, as I cannot even begin to fathom what that pain feels like. Her father passed away several years ago, so now she and her brother are all that is left of their original family unit.  As I thought about this, it shined a bright and rather sober light on the issue of family relationships. When we are born, if we are fortunate, we are born into a family. Maybe it is a mom and a dad, maybe just one or the other and maybe you get amazingly blessed with siblings down the road. I happen to be the oldest of 4. I have 2 sisters and a brother. I have a mom and dad who have been married for 41 years. I love it. I love each one of them so much.

But back to that sober light. You know, one day, each one of us will die. It is just how it is ; it is life. Our days are numbered. Our life is but  a breath. We have all heard these sayings. But do we take these words seriously? Or have they become cliche'? I do not want to regret how I have spent my days. I do not want to look back with sorrow on how I treated my family, the ones I love and value. I do not want to waste my moments with them in arguments or ridiculous drama. I just don't!

When someone dies, it is too late to say I am sorry. It is too late to do anything to reconcile the rifts that were caused by cruel, thoughtless words. It is too late to enjoy being with your loved one, their laugh, the funny way they say certain words, the facial expressions that seem to be unique to them. It is too late.

We should value those we love and treat them with kindness. We should forgive quickly. We should never talk ugly about them behind their backs. We should always give them the benefit of the doubt. We should pursue the truth about them and look for the best inside of them, so that we can draw it out.

I value my family. I want to live my life in such a way that I do not have regrets about my relationships with them. I want to love them well.

Some days...

I have the pleasure of educating Mia at home. I am so thankful for the freedom to be able to do that. She gets one on one attention, deeper study into those things that she is struggling with, and she gets to dance and sing and make American Girl frisbees and hopscotch boards when we take a break. She even gets to do school in her pajamas if she wants, and so do I!

Some days I actually feel the pleasure of teaching her and getting to spend the whole day together. We learn together, we laugh together, we go out and enjoy nature. Some days we go on field trips to Jamestown or to pick apples with friends on Carter's Mountain. Those days are priceless treasures in the journey of motherhood and home education.

And then...some days....I get to see the very deepest depths of the depravity of my own soul. I get so highly agitated by an " I hate school!" attitude and I struggle every. single. moment. I want to scream. I want to throw all of the books across the room. I want to toss Mia into the other room, close the door and scream some more...all so I do not have social services called on me.

Thankfully, most days are a combo....a few moments of " Oh my gosh, social services is going to come knocking on my door" mixed in with moments of " Oh my gosh, do I really get to do this with my life? Do I really get to teach my kid and be with her all day?".

Honestly, being a mother and a teacher are tough jobs, but they are also the most rewarding of all jobs in my opinion. I get the joy of watching my child grow and learn. I get the sheer delight of experiencing new things with her every day. I mean, today, we looked up pictures of shrews, because they live on the forest floor and  were mentioned in our science book. She shrieked with delight at how cute they were to her. I mean, how fun is that?!

So today had it's ups and downs, but we managed to both make it through school unscathed. Next week will be a new adventure. We shall see how it turns out, taking one moment at a time.

Peaceful or Lonely...

After spending the last 5 days with most of my family in Nags Head, NC, it is now just me, Mia and my Mama. It is rather difficult to decide whether I feel peaceful or a bit lonely...maybe a little of both. I got sweet hugs, kisses and snuggles from Emmie and Judah whenever I wanted (and they were willing to give...you know how little ones can play hard to get) and had my sisters and teenage nieces to chat with whenever I felt like talking. Even Daddy came this year, which is a first! I am sure that  my brother-in-law, Ryan, was grateful to finally have a man here. Poor guy...he tolerates an awful lot of estrogen on this annual vacation.

Daddy, Rachel, Ryan and Judah left yesterday and Anna, Quillen, Singrid and Emmie left today. Mia definitely feels the lonely side of things. She could care less about peace. She loves the loud, chaos that is our family when we are all together and she misses it. She even misses Judah! It is funny, just writing that made me realize something about her. Though Mia is definitely a stereotypical only child in so many ways, she loves people. She loves family. She loves BIG family. She does enjoy her quiet, alone time, but not for too long. Many times I wonder if she would prefer to have a room of her own in a house that is just ours. Damon agonizes over it almost daily, thinking it would better for her. Yet, I see now how much she loves having others around. I think she would be lonely. I think living at my parents' house is good for her. She can hang out alone or with just me, but when she craves extra attention or needs a change, she just runs down the steps and hangs with her Grandma and big Daddy. My siblings, nieces and nephew are in and out of the house all of the time. She is always able to be with family. Sometimes it can be stressful, but overall it is a good thing.

Well, I am rambling. In the end, I totally enjoyed having all of my family here, less my brother, Bryan. He is not so much a beach person and has not been convinced to join us...yet. Having them all gone means no tense moments, no whining little ones, and quiet. It also means no rooms full of laughter and stories and kisses and hugs and pure, unadulterated silliness.  I love my family, and I am so incredibly grateful for each of them. I am so thankful for the way we all love each other so passionately, so fiercely, so fully. And I am also thankful for the quiet moments away when I can miss them. It makes me appreciate them and our brand of chaos all the more.

Stepping Out

So...at the suggestion of my wonderful and wise friend, Miranda, I am going to try this blogging thing again. It is hard to say how it will turn out. I pretty much struggle with being consistent in things that are not mandatory. I see it in my guitar playing, my exercise, my healthy eating, my photography...see what I am saying?! I don't HAVE to do those things. I should, but no one is making me.  God has been stretching me in the area of self discipline this year, and maybe, this is another one of those places He is highlighting.

I really have never thought of myself as one who writes or even writes well. I just put thoughts into words in my journal or in a prophetic word for others, but to write for the sake of writing...well, I just have not seen it. I went to the Gathering of Artisans this weekend and took a work shop on the scribal anointing and it awakened something in my heart. I remember writing as a kid and enjoying it. I realized that I have filled hundreds of pages in my journals over the years and have enjoyed doing it. Then I went back and read the first year or two of this blog and actually really enjoyed reading what I wrote. It kind of shocked me.

So, while I have lots of thoughts brewing in my head, I do not have them quite ready to put in words. I just figured I better post something or it might never happen. Maybe later today or tomorrow I will write about this past weekend and all that God awakened in my heart. There is a theme...a common thread that showed up. I want to ponder it and maybe right here is a good place to do that.

As I ponder the death of Jesus today and think of His sacrifice, I am moved to tears. There He was, with NO sin, bearing the weight of every single sin ever committed and every single sin that would ever be committed. He even took on my sin. Things I have done, that I knew in my heart of hearts were sin. I did it on purpose...and He carried it that day. All of it! And why? Because HE IS LOVE! He loves you, with all of your junk, all of your sin, all of your tainted past. How then can we not love Him in return? I want to share a song that I wrote 4 years ago while in the midst of great pain, confronted with my own sinful nature. In that place, God revealed His great love to me. As I think about His love even now, I am totally undone and amazed.

May you know this great love for yourself today.

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