He is serious

I am learning new things about God all of the time. This is a pretty exciting thing. I guess what I am finding ,though, is that He is serious about stuff. I realize that sounds ridiculous. I mean, really, what else would God be? I don't mean He doesn't joke..I think He does. I am certain He has joked with me. What I mean is that when He reveals things to me, when He speaks to me, when He offers me solutions...He is serious. When I offer things to Him, like I recently did, He is serious...so He takes me seriously.

In moments of being touched by the beautiful heart of the Holy Spirit, I cry out to Him offering to Him all of myself, all of my heart, all of my life, all of my relationships, all of my possessions...everything. He listens..and He takes me seriously. Don't think that if you offer it to Him in a moment of emotion that He thinks you are kidding. I have the feeling that He waits for those moments..those moments when we give Him parts of our hearts that we have held on to..and then He jumps in with joy to begin working on our hearts...with our permission. I just think sometimes we offer things to Him not really expecting Him to take us seriously..almost like we are offering Him lip service. But He is truth...He is righteousness..He is the lover of our souls and the maker of our hearts. He knows what we need and He knows that even if we aren't totally serious at the moment that we offer our brokenness to Him that we still need Him to come and heal us. We still need Him to come and free us.

I just imagine Him sending the Holy Spirit to touch us and to soften us so that we will ask for the very thing He wants to give to us. I feel He wants to give to me an understanding of leaning on Him. I think He is drawing me to a place of being fully dependent on Him, not on man or things or position or even comfort. I think He wants to reveal to me that I am fully found in Him...not in any false ideals that I have in this life.

So here I am again...it is agonizing to actually give Him the things that I offer to Him. The act of offering is much different than the act of obediently handing over things. Yet, even in that place of pain, I say to Him, come and have your way. I offer it all to you...give me the strength Jesus to hand over the things I offer to you.

Wholeness...is it really possible?

So, I am pondering..in my own mind and heart and with Jesus...is it really possible to be whole? I mean we say it is, we trust God for it, but in this life, here on earth, is it possible? I have moments when I think I have it all together (really seconds..but moments does not sound as desperate), but truthfully, I am broken. I am really broken. I see it all the time, usually after a loving, honest friend reveals it. So, if I see it all the time..why am I so surprised every single time?

In the last couple months it has been brought to my attention by dear friends and the Father that I am seeking some of my wholeness from other people. This, friends,does not work. It just leads to more brokenness. People and things cannot fill the holes in our hearts...they cannot even patch the cracks very well. It is kind of like putting a band-aid on a severed limb. I feel certain it is fairly ineffective.

I have a feeling God is highlighting this stuff before I go to Kansas City for a reason. His timing is not by accident. He is purposeful. I have this feeling that God is about to do some "surgery"...some realigning...some healing of the age old foundations(35 years old in practical terms) . So many of my foundations are faulty. My confidence is built on the thoughts of others, my worth has been built on how others value me, my satisfaction is built upon how much you satisfy me. Yet, I know that I know that I know that my confidence is found in Him. I am a child of the living God. I know that I am valuable because He made me..and He makes no mistakes. I am never going to be satisfied by a man, a woman, a child, a house, a job, a relationship because ONLY HE SATISFIES.

So, I welcome the challenge to become whole in Him..to be fully found in Him, to be fully dependent on Him..even if I never have another friend, lover, spouse...I want to know Him and who I am in Him. So I boldly say to Him, come and have your way Jesus...I surrender it all..every relationship, every thing I have ever known to You. I am Yours.

Off to the Beach

Well, I am heading to Nags Head for a week. I am pretty excited. I am going with my mom, Mia, and my two nieces. Then Rachel and her fiance, Ryan, will join us for a couple of days. Then my Mema, her sister, and 2 of my aunts will come for the last 3 days. There is something special about being with the women in my family, especially being with my mom and her mom. There is a deep connection there. It is really fun listening to my Mema and her sister, Margaret, share stories of when they were young. There is an excitement in their voices and they still laugh about it all these years later. I hope that I will be the same way with my siblings when I get older.

This will be my first time of taking advantage of the freedom of homeschooling. I will pack all of Mia's things, and we will do school at the beach. There will be many distractions, so I fear there will be a struggle. Hopefully, having so many people around will keep me from so easily losing my cool. She really seems to love math, but the reading lesson tends to be a battle for obedience. I am working on being more flexible to allow for her short attention span and tolerance for learning to read. Honestly though, I am pretty impressed by her progress. Her little brain is like a sponge. She is so proud of herself as she writes numbers and letters.

Seeing how easily she absorbs things also makes me aware that it is not just school concepts, letters and numbers she absorbs. It has heightened my sensitivity to what she is watching. She seems to really pick up and repeat much of what she sees on tv. I am amazed at how cautious I need to be with this little one that God has entrusted to me.

There is so much more I could write about my life, but I am too tired right now. Just figured it was time for a quick entry.

First Week

Well, Mia and I have successfully completed one week of home schooling. It was fun...and trying. This is a new dynamic for us. Mommy talks..Mia listens..hahaha. No really, she loved it, except for writing. There may be a small part of a perfectionist in her (I have no clue where she got that../smirk). She cannot write the letters yet, so in her little mind she thinks " Why bother?". I really think that we are getting into a groove though, and that next week will be even better. This will take some discipline and planning on my part...both things I struggle with quite a bit. It is amazing to me how God uses every part of our lives to teach us and to refine us. In the most straight forward way of thinking, this is about Mia learning. The truth of it is..I am learning. I am probably going to learn much more than Mia in the long run. I am learning to be a teacher. I am learning to communicate well with my child. I am learning to plan, to have a schedule, to have patience, and to take joy in the little things again. I am learning to do things as planned and not procrastinate, because Mia needs me to do the things that I commit to do with her. Life...it is truly a journey in every single way.

Who knew?

I am taking a brief break from learning. Learning to teach Mia to read that is. Janet loaned me this awesome book on teaching your child to read. I am doing quite a bit of learning before I can begin tomorrow. Thankfully, Mia is in the tub and does not seem to notice me making all of the letter sounds out loud while touching my throat to make sure I am making them correctly. Imagine it...me sitting in a room alone making these funny sounds ( loudly it instructs..like speaking to someone who is hard of hearing) with my hand on my throat. I am sure it is a funny thing to see...and hear.

I am pretty excited to begin "school" with Mia tomorrow. I think she is too. It will give us quality time together, which is clearly Mia's love language, will help Mia learn, and God willing, it will teach me some patience. Serious intercession may be in order here...please pray :)

Wow..It has been awhile.

So, I should really be going to bed, but I thought I would post a quick update. I mean Kasey has posted 3 in the last week...I cannot let her get that far ahead of me :)

I went to Myrtle Beach for the week last week. It was so wonderful. I am too tired to really go into detail, but I thought I would share something I have already written. This is for the artist challenge on www.HisArt.org

Truths Found On The Beach

Amy Hargrave Moore

An excerpt from my prayer journal

My conversation with Jesus

Like the depths of the ocean, so is your love for me. Who can fathom this kind of love? Who can bear the weight of this love? Who can stand up under it?

Yet, You who are holy have made me to bear this weight. You have made my heart and my frame strong enough to bear the weight of this love-the power of this love. You have fashioned me.

Psalm 33:13-15

The Lord looks from heaven; He sees all the sons of men. From the place of His dwelling He looks on all the inhabitants of the earth; He fashions their hearts individually; He considers all their works.

Like the radiance of the sun, so is the radiance of Your face-beautiful, shining, and bright. Who can look upon such beauty and live? Yet You have given me eyes to seek Your face. Show me Your face, Jesus. Let Your face shine upon me.

Psalm 27:8

When You said, “Seek my face,” my heart said to You, “Your face, Lord, I will seek.”

Like the grains of sand on the beach, so are Your thoughts towards me Lord. Who can imagine such great things? Yet You have given me an imagination and wisdom to think on such things.

Psalm 139:17-18

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with You.

Coughing

So, it is 3:21 am. I am awake after a lovely fit of coughing. I should go back to bed, but part of me is thinking, do I really want to try to sleep only to be annoyed by coughing? I took some more cough medicine, so hopefully, sleep will come again soon. In the mean time, I have made the best of it. I snacked on some Cocoa Puffs right out of the box. Man, that is some good cereal. It should not be allowed as breakfast food. It is like eating dessert.

I am tired of sinus infections, tired of being sick, and definitely tired of coughing. I will be glad to be well again. Not so I just feel better, but also so I can sing. I miss singing.

Ok..random thoughts are over...going to attempt sleep...again.

Motherhood cont.

Tonight, I completely lost my temper when Mia rudely interrupted me non-stop while I was reading her a passage from the Bible. It is not that Mia does not like this time, because she makes it clear that she does like it anytime I forget to read it to her. It is simply that she wants me to listen to her right at the moment the sounds begin to leave her mouth. Sometimes those sounds seem to not stop for hours at a time. I can only take so much rudeness in one day.

After I left the room and she cried out to me, " I will respect you next time" with a sad, almost desperate, little voice, I felt like the worst mother in the universe. Damn, this job is hard. One minute you are reading a story being a good mom, the next you are screaming and being a beastly mom. I feel like I have multiple personalities sometimes.

Motherhood

So, at the advice of wise bloggers, one at a time it is.

My recent experiences as a mother have been rather trying in the patience department. They have also made me realize that being a mother is more than just feeding, clothing, and housing your child. It is quite a bit about laying down your own desires to make sure that you are raising up a healthy, well rounded little one.

Mia has really been struggling with behaving. I realize that part of it is her age, but I also feel that some of it is a manifestation of what she is feeling on the inside about the separation. I have been seeing the anger brewing beneath the surface for some time, but it only reared it's head every once in awhile. In the past month, I have seen it rear it's head daily. She hits, kicks, scratches, pulls hair, calls people stupid and she uses the phrase " I hate" about a million times a day. She seems to have completely lost her ability to hear, if the voice making the request is an adult's voice.

I have my father's gift of patience...he has almost none. I think maybe all 4 of us got this gift. Anna and Bryan seem to have more than me and Rachel, but this is not saying much. All of this nasty behavior leaves me wanting to scream and tear out my hair and maybe stick a fork in my eye. That is if Mia is lucky and I inflict myself first. The other option is me losing my temper, yelling, and wanting to beat her.

So...I have started with a basic first step: reinstate the bedtime routine. I figure a routine of any sort is good, and I feel that she needs more sleep. None of us function well with sleep deprivation, and we certainly don't handle life changing stress with too little sleep. Why should I expect my 5 year to handle things better than an adult? This has also given me 30 minutes of cuddling, reading her books, reading her the Bible and praying for her. She really seems to like that time. I know this sounds simple, but as a single mom, this means I have to give up things in order to make bedtime happen. It has meant laying down worship practice, giving up late nights with friends , and/or finding a sitter that can get her in bed for anything I do that extends past her bedtime.

I also realize how much attention she is longing for from me. She told me recently after I had 2 phone calls in a row that she was going to take a hammer and break my phone. She has specifically asked me not to make phone calls while we are riding in the car together. I assure you this is not a safety issue for Mia. I am having to constantly ask the Lord to show me what steps I need to take in order to bring healing to my little one's heart. I know it is broken. She prays frequently for her Poppa to come home. I pray for wisdom on how to respond.

Being a mommy is a lot more than I imagined. I am now praying for compassion, mercy, and love that is beyond anything I have ever experienced. I want to be able to extend this to her in this time of transition. I have to remember that when this household blew up in August, there was a very small victim and she needs me to help her find her way through the rubble back to wholeness.

Just for the *%#! of it

So, just to make you all feel a little better, I am writing. I really am too tired to say much of great worth right now though. I am hoping that this will end the blogging constipation that I seem to be suffering .

My plan is to write on a number of things:

1. My recent lessons on motherhood
2. My trip to Monroe Park/prayer for the African-American community
3. My precious Mema

Ok...now that it is laid out like this, I feel obligated to write. I hope that will be tomorrow.

Phone Update

Well, after 8 full days without my cell phone, I finally have one again! Can I get a hallelujah?

The story is pretty simple and awesome all at the same time.

I do not think I mentioned before, that the day after the washer experience, I headed to the Verizon store to pay my deductible and get a phone. On the way there, I asked the Lord what He wanted me to do. I felt I heard "wait". I questioned whether this was me or Him, so I asked again. I felt I heard " wait. Trust me." So I asked questions of the sales guy but did not buy that day. That is how I even got to the place of ebay and Craigs list. Fast forward to Wednesday. My Aunt Linda kept Mia for me. I told her about my phone experience. She mentioned having a phone, but she thought it was broken. It was not mentioned again until later that night when her husband called. He said her phone just needed a battery and a charger. I go and get the phone, and they loan me a charger. I figured I would go Saturday to the store and have them activate the phone. Thankfully, Brian mentioned that you could activate them online. So, today that is what I did. I then went to ebay, bought a battery, a wall charger, and a car charger all for $14.86 including shipping.

The moral of the story is this:

When you hear the still, small voice...obey Him. He saved me $35.14 :) And you know why? Because He loves me!

Things Not To Do With Your Cell Phone Revised

Ok...many of you have read this, but I decided to revise it a bit( thanks to Julia). Here is the updated version:

As James recently learned, there are certain things you cannot do
with a cell phone. His lessons are number 1 and number 2 on the list.

1. Do NOT leave your cell phone with Faith. She will call all of your friends, in the middle of the night, trying to figure out whose phone was left behind. Thankfully for James, his friends did not answer.

2. Do NOT, under any circumstances, drop your phone in the toilet.
It does NOT need to pee, no matter what it tells you.

I learned lesson number 3 last night.

3. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT, wash your phone in the washing
machine. It is not that dirty! Use some alcohol to wipe it off. No,
it will not sting the phone.

Yes, friends, I realized after the washer was filled about half way
that my phone was still in my back pocket..of the pants IN the
washer. I took the battery out and let it dry all night. It came on
this morning, but it kept buzzing. It finally stopped, and I
thought " It is a miracle." Then in my brilliance, I thought, now I
can charge it. Clearly, it was not all dry, and it was NOT a
miracle. Now the phone is acting DEAD not weird.

I just wanted to share this story and lesson with you all, in case
you were thinking your phone needed a good washing, or in James'
case, that it needed to pee. Also, as I mentioned, Faith is not a good foster parent for your phone. Do not leave it in her care.

UPDATE: I still do not have a phone. It was mentioned to me that I might be able to get a phone for less money, on ebay or Craig's list, than my deductible. I am now consumed by searching for the perfect, less expensive phone. I was 45 minutes late to church on Sunday as a result. I openly confessed to Michael that I had lost track of time searching for this elusive phone. NEVER tell someone who enjoys research to do this. I cannot just find a phone and buy it. I must investigate every single one to make sure I want it. Too many choices..too many choices.

Choices

So yesterday, once again God revealed to me my weaknesses. Of course, I know that He does this in total love, so that I can move forward in being more like Him and less like me.

This is the story. I have been keeping Liam (3) for some time for Miranda now. It is a beautiful trading system that we have. I keep Liam one day a week, and she keeps Mia one day a week. Yesterday I also kept Meris (5 months) for Miranda. She is a precious little baby, and I was pretty excited about having her here with me. Only one thing...I forgot how much time a baby takes. Not because they really need anything...they just need you. Meris wanted to be held or for me to be in the room with her. This is reasonable for a baby...I just forgot. Mia, wild as she is, is very independent and plays alone well. I had not mentally prepared for not getting anything done. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by a mouthy daughter and a baby who needed me (Liam was really an angel), when Faith called me. She called about a RIHOP t-shirt. God had Faith call me to clue me in on my weakness and to help me see it and change my perspective. When I asked Faith to pray for me because I was frustrated, she asked me why I was babysitting. Was I doing this to bless Miranda? My answer was yes. I spouted off how I could not believe what saints Nadia, Elizabeth, Miranda and other moms of babies and toddlers/preschoolers are to be able to handle this. She says to me, "That is why they need your help." I hung up with her, and suddenly ( you know those kinds of moments...when you feel like a hammer hit you in the back of the head), I realized that I had been completely and totally SELF-CENTERED! I had been SO worried about what Amy could not do, about how this effected Amy's day that I missed that I was doing this to be a loving friend and a servant. I did not for one minute think, "I am so glad Miranda has this time to work with no distractions" or "I am so fortunate to be able to love these children".

God uses simple life experiences and His friends, like Faith, to reveal our weaknesses. I am so glad that He showed me in the privacy of my home. I see this as His precious mercy. He does not want me to stay self-centered. He wants me to CHOOSE to be a kind and loving servant. Oh how I love Him.

Not So Good At This

So, it seems that I am not so good at the whole blogging thing. I think that if I can make it a habit, I will do well and love it. Of course, that can be said about most things in my life. Exercise, consistent quiet time with Jesus, "school" time with Mia...these are but a few among many possibilities.

So, since the last time, I have been sick. I had/have a nasty sinus infection. I have not been this sick in 5 1/2 years, and let me tell you, I do not like it one bit. My precious Mama let me stay with her Saturday night through Monday afternoon. I know I could have stayed all week if I had wanted to do that. She took care of me on Sunday, fixing my meals, buying me soy ice "cream" for my sore throat, and most importantly, taking care of Mia. I think it is pretty much a true fact that I have the best Mama in the whole world.

Ok...so I posted. I hope my dear friend, Robbie, that this is sufficient for today. I promise to try to do this more frequently. I think a week of working ( 4 days in one week..which is unusual for me) and being sick got me very off track. I feel like my whole life has been a bit undone. I am looking forward to going back to my routine tomorrow. I am most glad to be able to go back to RIHOP tomorrow. Oh, how I have grown to love the prayer room. I feel almost an ache to sit in that room and hang out with Jesus. I love hanging out with Him everywhere I go, but there is something special about the way we hang out at RIHOP.

Off to watch Anastasia with Mia, again. We borrowed it from the library. I am guessing we will watch it 20 times before it goes back.

Change of Perspective

Today after church, I excitedly headed out to take cityscape pictures of Richmond for my friend, Rudy. The sky looked nice, some clouds but not bad. I have been trying to take these for almost 2 weeks now. Between my schedule and the weather, this is the first time it has worked out..well, almost worked out. The weather had different plans for me all together. By the time Mia and I got to Hollywood Cemetery, it was overcast and hazy. My first instinct was to complain. I sent a text to a friend basically saying bah to the the whole thing. He writes back " Maybe you can scout today." A light bulb went off in my feeble brain. This is a brilliant thought. All of a sudden, my whole perspective changed. The day was not wasted. This gave me the chance to go to several different places and take sample shots for Rudy. Now he can pick what he likes, and I will go back to those locations only when the weather is nice.

The best part was that now I saw this as an opportunity to take Mia to all kinds of places she had never been. Well, it took a few more minutes before this revelation came to me, but hey, it is better than it never happening. She loved Hollywood Cemetery, although she had a hard time understanding why all of the dead people were in the ground and not in heaven. She also was confused as to why we could not see the dead people. It really made me think about how morbid and frightening the idea of a cemetery is to, well, anyone. Lots of dead bodies in the ground...YUCK! No wonder the zombie movies are so popular. She ran all over those bodies with zero reverence. I could not seem to explain to her that it was not very nice. She also knocked down a gate. Honestly, I just left it. I figured I would do more damage trying to pick it back up. It seemed to make more sense to quickly leave while no one was looking.

We also went to where Q-94 used to be located. There was orange stuff with a big Danger Keep Out sign on it very close to where we were standing. I explained this to Mia. As soon as I put the camera to my eye, she promptly went around it and from the other side yelled " Look mommy, I got over here." Clearly keep out and danger mean nothing to Mia.

The last place we went was Jefferson Park in Church Hill. It has a playground. This was Mia's favorite place of the day. Mine too. It has a really nice view of the city. I am hoping Rudy will like these best. It will be easy to go back there and fun for Mia.

Anyway, what could have been a completely miserable experience because I was annoyed by the weather turned into a pretty fun time. All thanks to a few words from a friend. It is amazing what a change in perspective can do for us.

New Beginnings

I have decided today to enter the world of blogging. Whether or not this will be a successful venture is yet to be seen. I just felt that it would be a good place to share my thoughts on God, motherhood, life as an intercessory missionary and general goofiness that comes with being a bit of a freak. So, here goes. We shall see what comes of this. If nothing else, I hope it is a good place for me to practice writing a bit.