That title sums it up. I am in a state of "hmmm". Like...what does this mean? What do I do? How do I respond? Hmmm....
Sometimes, I just don't know what to do. I have these options in front of me, some that are a bit shaky, a bit uncertain, others that will stretch me so much that I am not even sure they are viable, and all I feel like I can do right now is wait, say hmmm, and try not to over-analyze every.single.thing.
Even as I sit here pondering, I am reminded of my history with God. He likes to teach me about waiting and trusting. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of times that I have found myself in a place of waiting. I have even written about it and confessed that I might like the place of waiting and that when it was gone, I would miss it. What a crazy thing to say! He may have taken me up on that, because here I sit waiting and wondering and I DO NOT LIKE IT! Haha! I am a fickle human being for sure.
In the end though, the wait comes down to a trust issue for me. Do I trust the Lord to care for me, provide for me, watch over the affairs of my life with the love of a father? Do I trust that He is who He says He is?
When I look at it like that, I almost blush with embarrassment that I would allow a few little choices to cause me angst. Really?? He is the God of the universe and He is madly in love with me, attending to every moment of my life with diligence and care, knowing even the number of hairs on my head! He is good and kind and trustworthy. He is never late, never early, but He is always, always, always on time. His timing is perfect. Sigh....did you read that? I am going to say it again...His timing is perfect. There it is...beautiful truth. Truth that sets my heart at ease. Truth that reminds me that I need not worry or wonder. Truth that allows me to rest in His ability to take care of me.
I have been singing for years, in my song How Could I Love Another, that He is my friend, my savior, my maker and my husband. How quickly I forget. The role that has comforted me the most over the past 6 or 7 years is that of husband. This is not in a weird Jesus is my boyfriend way...because umm He is GOD not my boyfriend. This is simply the role that provides for me, cares for my heart, protects me, makes sure that I am not only loved but that I feel loved and draws me near to comfort me when I need it. Maybe that looks different to you, but for me, that is what it means. So...if He is all of those things to me and does all of those things for me, and I choose to believe it and walk in that truth, then I never ever need to worry or have angst about waiting. I know that His timing is perfect, His love for me is perfect, His provision for me is perfect, and on and on the list goes.
So really...I do not care if another living soul reads this post. I think today it served as a reminder. I started writing because I felt uneasy and frustrated and as I write the truth, peace is flooding my heart. Sometimes all it takes is a reminder. So while I am still wondering what is next, what option to choose, if any, I can do it with peace in my heart and the knowledge that I serve a loving God who takes care of me.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
Clarity
While I should totally be getting ready to head out for the evening, I felt like I NEEDED to write. Sometimes the thoughts in my head have to come out, but I simply do not know how to verbally express them. Writing is such a neat medium, in that I can flood the paper (or screen) with my thoughts and then rework them over and over until they say exactly what I mean!
Today I feel like my brain has been swirling, like I can find no peace in there...no resting place, no landing spot. Everything is floating around, hard to grasp, and feeling so uncertain. That in itself makes my emotional state rather up and down as well, one minute feeling rather happy and the next wanting to cry. What I need is clarity. I need someone to come and wipe away the fog on this window that I am peering through, so that I can see clearly what I am to do, to feel, to say.
Thankfully, God is like a supernatural window washer. I realize that sounds funny to say, and maybe you think it is blasphemous to think of the Creator washing windows in a jumpsuit, but I think He is ok with that. See...even typing that makes me breathe out a sigh of relief. HE can clear my mind. HE can wipe away the fog.
Sometimes circumstances in life and the choices we need to make are not crystal clear. Sometimes they really are a bit foggy. I believe that God gives us the freedom to choose for ourselves, but I also believe that He is right there waiting for us to ask Him for wisdom.
So...rather than sitting around squinting through this foggy window, I will pray. I will ask God for clarity and for wisdom. And I will choose to trust Him in the wait. When the time is right, He will answer, leading the way, clearing the path before me, and wiping away the fog.
Today I feel like my brain has been swirling, like I can find no peace in there...no resting place, no landing spot. Everything is floating around, hard to grasp, and feeling so uncertain. That in itself makes my emotional state rather up and down as well, one minute feeling rather happy and the next wanting to cry. What I need is clarity. I need someone to come and wipe away the fog on this window that I am peering through, so that I can see clearly what I am to do, to feel, to say.
Thankfully, God is like a supernatural window washer. I realize that sounds funny to say, and maybe you think it is blasphemous to think of the Creator washing windows in a jumpsuit, but I think He is ok with that. See...even typing that makes me breathe out a sigh of relief. HE can clear my mind. HE can wipe away the fog.
Sometimes circumstances in life and the choices we need to make are not crystal clear. Sometimes they really are a bit foggy. I believe that God gives us the freedom to choose for ourselves, but I also believe that He is right there waiting for us to ask Him for wisdom.
So...rather than sitting around squinting through this foggy window, I will pray. I will ask God for clarity and for wisdom. And I will choose to trust Him in the wait. When the time is right, He will answer, leading the way, clearing the path before me, and wiping away the fog.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Tools In Loving Well
Recently, I have been faced with the reality, AGAIN, that I am not the great fixer of all problems. In fact, in most situations there is very little I can do in a physical way to even help friends that are experiencing tough times.You know, this is a real kick in the teeth when I want nothing more than to make it all better. I am a fixer, by nature. I want everyone to be happy, healthy, to get along, etc, etc....you get the point.
Maybe it is a friend that has a financial need...and I cannot meet it. Maybe it is a friend who has a sick spouse...and I cannot heal him or even make her pain and fear go away. Maybe it is a friend who is struggling with the greatest battle of their life at the moment...and I cannot win it for them. Maybe it is someone I love battling addiction...and I cannot free them or even make them choose well.
No matter what the situation is or how painful it may be for the ones I love, I cannot jump in and be the rescuer or the fixer. So what CAN I do?
Well, the first thing I can do, which sadly I often put last, is to pray. As a follower of Christ, I believe that when I cry out to God on behalf of those I love, He hears me and He is moved at the sound of my voice. Maybe His answers don't always look like what I desire or what I expect, but I know that He is not an apathetic God and He is working behind the scenes. Maybe He brings comfort to a heart , strength to make the right decision, a financial blessing, rest from the battle, or freedom from addiction. Maybe He just makes Himself known so that those who are in pain or afraid or in bondage do not feel alone.
Another thing that I can do is be a listening ear and encourage my friends. I think we often forget the value of just being there for someone. Just being available is a real gift to many people. In this world, where we are all so caught up in the busyness of our own lives, time is a valuable commodity. When I take time out of my life to spend focused time with a friend, whether in person or on the phone, it makes them feel loved. There is likely nothing more important in my life than making someone feel loved, valuable and cared for in a time of need. So many times people just need to vent. They just want to tell someone how they feel. They don't want me to fix their problem, they just want to talk about it. I can do that. I can also speak life giving words to them, words of love, words of encouragement, words that remind them that they are not alone, that they can get through this battle, that they are valuable and worth fighting for in this crazy rat race world that we live in.
So maybe I cannot FIX the problem and maybe I cannot rescue my friend, but I can mostly certainly pray for them , listen to them, love them, care for their heart and encourage them. I have to remind myself that these are valuable and powerful tools in loving people well, and my desire is to love people well.
Maybe it is a friend that has a financial need...and I cannot meet it. Maybe it is a friend who has a sick spouse...and I cannot heal him or even make her pain and fear go away. Maybe it is a friend who is struggling with the greatest battle of their life at the moment...and I cannot win it for them. Maybe it is someone I love battling addiction...and I cannot free them or even make them choose well.
No matter what the situation is or how painful it may be for the ones I love, I cannot jump in and be the rescuer or the fixer. So what CAN I do?
Well, the first thing I can do, which sadly I often put last, is to pray. As a follower of Christ, I believe that when I cry out to God on behalf of those I love, He hears me and He is moved at the sound of my voice. Maybe His answers don't always look like what I desire or what I expect, but I know that He is not an apathetic God and He is working behind the scenes. Maybe He brings comfort to a heart , strength to make the right decision, a financial blessing, rest from the battle, or freedom from addiction. Maybe He just makes Himself known so that those who are in pain or afraid or in bondage do not feel alone.
Another thing that I can do is be a listening ear and encourage my friends. I think we often forget the value of just being there for someone. Just being available is a real gift to many people. In this world, where we are all so caught up in the busyness of our own lives, time is a valuable commodity. When I take time out of my life to spend focused time with a friend, whether in person or on the phone, it makes them feel loved. There is likely nothing more important in my life than making someone feel loved, valuable and cared for in a time of need. So many times people just need to vent. They just want to tell someone how they feel. They don't want me to fix their problem, they just want to talk about it. I can do that. I can also speak life giving words to them, words of love, words of encouragement, words that remind them that they are not alone, that they can get through this battle, that they are valuable and worth fighting for in this crazy rat race world that we live in.
So maybe I cannot FIX the problem and maybe I cannot rescue my friend, but I can mostly certainly pray for them , listen to them, love them, care for their heart and encourage them. I have to remind myself that these are valuable and powerful tools in loving people well, and my desire is to love people well.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Thoughts on the Past
I have recently been thinking on the darkest days of my past and walking through the stages of rejection, betrayal, denial, anger (rage really) and deep, deep pain. In the first years those were the emotions that ran the show, along with the copious amounts of beer that I drank. At some point, I had to decide that a life of anger and pain was not a full life. It was not the life that I wanted to lead. It was not the life that I wanted Mia to see and experience. It was most certainly not the kind of life that Jesus had promised me...life and life abundantly....not even close!
I managed to put on a happy face most of the time, but really I was screaming on the inside. It was like a fire was searing my soul day after day after day. Talk about a dry and weary land where there is no water (Psalm 63) , I was living there...camped out in the burning noonday sun with what felt like no shade. I so desperately wanted to do the "right" thing, to do this the "right" way. So I tried to just be nice, be happy, keep on with my life in the most normal fashion I could muster. I kept on raising my Mia, kept on going to church, even being on the worship team. I joined staff at a house of prayer and spent lots of time hanging out with Jesus in the prayer room, whether in a chair or behind a microphone or behind my guitar singing out raw songs of love to the Lord. BUT...my heart was really only on hold. It screamed and I sent it to the back burner, not allowing it to have any real precedence in my life. Surely, if I was relying on the Lord and doing this the "right" way, I would not be in agony, right? NO..wrong...dead wrong. I was drowning in my own sorrows...a frantic mess. I felt schizophrenic...trying to put on the happy face while feeling like I was dying. I was a drunk, which made me feel like my whole life was a facade, a lie. Ugh...it was awful. I was just prolonging the inevitable and boy, did it suck.
So how did I transition from the dark side into the light? Well, for me, it was all about a choice to embrace the forgiveness that Jesus talks about in the Bible and displayed with His life. I had to choose to forgive the one that had hurt me. I had to choose to forgive myself for the damage I had done in my marriage. And along side forgiveness, I had to work, like it was a full time job, to bury the hatchet so to speak...not just forgive, but let go of the offenses and hurts.
Even more than that,though, I had to choose to face the reality of my heart and the terribly crushed, no...shredded, state that it was in. My heart was a mess and putting it on the back burner and wearing the happy mask was not serving me well at all. And without a doubt, drinking was most certainly NOT helping a thing. It just made it all the worse. I would drink and think about the life I no longer had, about the memories (good and bad), and about every single offense I had dished out and received over the course of 19 years and that, my friends, is a lot of offenses right there. Drinking heightened every emotion in quite the dramatic way. If I was angry, it turned to a boiling rage. If I was feeling sad, it turned to overwhelming despair. If I was lonely, it made me feel like I had been totally forsaken. It caused me to focus on the negative and the things that I could not control, which only made me feel more crazy and out of control.
So, in the midst of that dark and ugly and painful place, I chose to face my heart. I chose to be honest with myself, with some close and trusted friends, and with God, who already knew anyway. What I found was that when I was willing to face it head on, it was better. Now...to be brutally honest with you, it was horrifically worse before it was better. BUT IT WAS SOOOO WORTH IT!!! I can only think to describe it one way. If you have a nasty open wound and it gets dirty and infected, but you leave it untreated, it may heal over at the skin level, BUT...the infection is still there, festering under the surface. It becomes terribly painful, possibly unbearable. It may even begin to make you sick, because it effects your whole system. The only way to deal with it, is to re-open that wound and clean it out. It is a nasty and painful process, but the end result is a wound that heals nicely from the inside out. This time, when it closes up at the skin level, it is truly healed. There is probably a scar...but the pain, the anger, the resentment, the bitterness are gone.
In addition to this heart surgery that I pursued, I laid down beer (all alcohol really). I don't think for one minute that I could have gotten real healing otherwise. I needed to get healing without a crutch. I needed to do it for real, without anything clouding my vision. I wanted to rely only on the Lord and the friends He had so graciously put in my path...and to do it with clarity of thought. Honestly, to keep with the whole infected wound thing, I decided surgery without anesthesia was what I needed. I was pretty sure that if I walked around in a numbed state, that I would pass by some of the most painful spots. Friends, I did not want to pass anything by and have to deal with it later. I wanted to get as much dealt with as possible. One day I decided that enough was enough. I had some good friends pray with me and I have not had a drink since that day almost 6 years ago. It was a tough first year, but the healing and breakthrough in my life that came from giving up beer were so worth the struggle.
God was so faithful to meet me in my pursuit of healing. He sent amazing people to love me, people who spoke life and hope and love into my heart. Those days of singing raw love songs to Him in the prayer room brought so much healing to my heart. When I felt like a barren wasteland, and cried out to Him in song or in prayer, He watered my heart with His love. He revealed Himself to me as the lover of my soul. He showed me that even in this dark and damaged state, that He loved me and saw beauty in my heart. He revealed Himself to me as my Husband. He was the one who stepped in and protected my heart, who cared for me, when I no longer had a husband. He revealed Himself to me as the Healer, when He took my ashes and in return He gave me beauty. He took my crushed heart and He put it back together...better than it was before. Really, He gave me a new heart. I do not take any of that for granted. I count it a privilege to have been so weak and broken as to need to lean on Him and Him alone in those days, because the relationship I have with Him now was born in that place. There is nothing quite like sharing suffering with someone to birth deep intimacy.
It has been 6 years since I was first separated and nearly 4 since I was divorced, and still, there is no experience that can top the pain of that experience in my life. Yet, I tell you, that there has never been greater opportunity for the Lord to show Himself strong on my behalf. I am a new woman, a more confident woman, a more whole and complete woman on this side of things. Not because I am great or because I picked myself up by my boot straps, but because the Lord is gracious and compassionate and He put His hand out for me to come...and well, I took it. In my weakness, He was strong and He healed my broken heart.
Why do I choose to write this all now? Well, I find that it is good to revisit it from time to time. It is good to retell the stories of God's faithfulness. It is good to remind myself where I came from, because it gives me greater compassion and understanding for those that are experiencing this agony right now. And who knows...maybe the Lord can use my story to give someone else the courage they need to face their own pain head on. Maybe it will give someone hope that there is a good life, a full and abundant life available on the other side of their season of despair. Because I can tell you...this is a good life, a very good life, and I am grateful to God for it.
I managed to put on a happy face most of the time, but really I was screaming on the inside. It was like a fire was searing my soul day after day after day. Talk about a dry and weary land where there is no water (Psalm 63) , I was living there...camped out in the burning noonday sun with what felt like no shade. I so desperately wanted to do the "right" thing, to do this the "right" way. So I tried to just be nice, be happy, keep on with my life in the most normal fashion I could muster. I kept on raising my Mia, kept on going to church, even being on the worship team. I joined staff at a house of prayer and spent lots of time hanging out with Jesus in the prayer room, whether in a chair or behind a microphone or behind my guitar singing out raw songs of love to the Lord. BUT...my heart was really only on hold. It screamed and I sent it to the back burner, not allowing it to have any real precedence in my life. Surely, if I was relying on the Lord and doing this the "right" way, I would not be in agony, right? NO..wrong...dead wrong. I was drowning in my own sorrows...a frantic mess. I felt schizophrenic...trying to put on the happy face while feeling like I was dying. I was a drunk, which made me feel like my whole life was a facade, a lie. Ugh...it was awful. I was just prolonging the inevitable and boy, did it suck.
So how did I transition from the dark side into the light? Well, for me, it was all about a choice to embrace the forgiveness that Jesus talks about in the Bible and displayed with His life. I had to choose to forgive the one that had hurt me. I had to choose to forgive myself for the damage I had done in my marriage. And along side forgiveness, I had to work, like it was a full time job, to bury the hatchet so to speak...not just forgive, but let go of the offenses and hurts.
Even more than that,though, I had to choose to face the reality of my heart and the terribly crushed, no...shredded, state that it was in. My heart was a mess and putting it on the back burner and wearing the happy mask was not serving me well at all. And without a doubt, drinking was most certainly NOT helping a thing. It just made it all the worse. I would drink and think about the life I no longer had, about the memories (good and bad), and about every single offense I had dished out and received over the course of 19 years and that, my friends, is a lot of offenses right there. Drinking heightened every emotion in quite the dramatic way. If I was angry, it turned to a boiling rage. If I was feeling sad, it turned to overwhelming despair. If I was lonely, it made me feel like I had been totally forsaken. It caused me to focus on the negative and the things that I could not control, which only made me feel more crazy and out of control.
So, in the midst of that dark and ugly and painful place, I chose to face my heart. I chose to be honest with myself, with some close and trusted friends, and with God, who already knew anyway. What I found was that when I was willing to face it head on, it was better. Now...to be brutally honest with you, it was horrifically worse before it was better. BUT IT WAS SOOOO WORTH IT!!! I can only think to describe it one way. If you have a nasty open wound and it gets dirty and infected, but you leave it untreated, it may heal over at the skin level, BUT...the infection is still there, festering under the surface. It becomes terribly painful, possibly unbearable. It may even begin to make you sick, because it effects your whole system. The only way to deal with it, is to re-open that wound and clean it out. It is a nasty and painful process, but the end result is a wound that heals nicely from the inside out. This time, when it closes up at the skin level, it is truly healed. There is probably a scar...but the pain, the anger, the resentment, the bitterness are gone.
In addition to this heart surgery that I pursued, I laid down beer (all alcohol really). I don't think for one minute that I could have gotten real healing otherwise. I needed to get healing without a crutch. I needed to do it for real, without anything clouding my vision. I wanted to rely only on the Lord and the friends He had so graciously put in my path...and to do it with clarity of thought. Honestly, to keep with the whole infected wound thing, I decided surgery without anesthesia was what I needed. I was pretty sure that if I walked around in a numbed state, that I would pass by some of the most painful spots. Friends, I did not want to pass anything by and have to deal with it later. I wanted to get as much dealt with as possible. One day I decided that enough was enough. I had some good friends pray with me and I have not had a drink since that day almost 6 years ago. It was a tough first year, but the healing and breakthrough in my life that came from giving up beer were so worth the struggle.
God was so faithful to meet me in my pursuit of healing. He sent amazing people to love me, people who spoke life and hope and love into my heart. Those days of singing raw love songs to Him in the prayer room brought so much healing to my heart. When I felt like a barren wasteland, and cried out to Him in song or in prayer, He watered my heart with His love. He revealed Himself to me as the lover of my soul. He showed me that even in this dark and damaged state, that He loved me and saw beauty in my heart. He revealed Himself to me as my Husband. He was the one who stepped in and protected my heart, who cared for me, when I no longer had a husband. He revealed Himself to me as the Healer, when He took my ashes and in return He gave me beauty. He took my crushed heart and He put it back together...better than it was before. Really, He gave me a new heart. I do not take any of that for granted. I count it a privilege to have been so weak and broken as to need to lean on Him and Him alone in those days, because the relationship I have with Him now was born in that place. There is nothing quite like sharing suffering with someone to birth deep intimacy.
It has been 6 years since I was first separated and nearly 4 since I was divorced, and still, there is no experience that can top the pain of that experience in my life. Yet, I tell you, that there has never been greater opportunity for the Lord to show Himself strong on my behalf. I am a new woman, a more confident woman, a more whole and complete woman on this side of things. Not because I am great or because I picked myself up by my boot straps, but because the Lord is gracious and compassionate and He put His hand out for me to come...and well, I took it. In my weakness, He was strong and He healed my broken heart.
Why do I choose to write this all now? Well, I find that it is good to revisit it from time to time. It is good to retell the stories of God's faithfulness. It is good to remind myself where I came from, because it gives me greater compassion and understanding for those that are experiencing this agony right now. And who knows...maybe the Lord can use my story to give someone else the courage they need to face their own pain head on. Maybe it will give someone hope that there is a good life, a full and abundant life available on the other side of their season of despair. Because I can tell you...this is a good life, a very good life, and I am grateful to God for it.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Beginning Again....
How often do I decide that today I will begin to write again??? Sheesh, you would think that I would grow weary of starting over and over and over again. This time, I actually considered totally dumping this blog and REALLY beginning again. But, you know, lately I have been reminded, rather frequently, that even those things in my past which did not turn out as I had planned are useful. Maybe that is where I will go with this tonight, on the eve of my 40th birthday.
Tomorrow morning at 6:11 am, to be exact, I will be 40. I am excited, as crazy as that sounds. I am excited because I am more the woman I want to be, that I was made to be, now, at 40 ,than I was in my thirties. I have had some pretty tough times over the past decade...or more...yet, I have come to realize that those tough times have formed me into the woman I am today. Kind of like the way a raging river smooths out the jagged edges of a stone, life's difficulties have smoothed away many of my rough edges. I find that I am a much softer, kinder version of myself than I was even 5 years ago and certainly than I was 10 years ago.
I have often said that I would not trade my trials and my pain for what I have now, for who I am now. I believe that wholeheartedly. There are so many parts of me that have been formed and refined in the fires of these past several years. So much of the yuck, the superficial, the false self image have been totally burned up by these trials, leaving me in a much better place than I was before. And in their place, God has built up in me a much more firm foundation of truth, confidence, boldness, passion and love. When I think of my life in this light, I thank God every single day for the ability to use trials for good as opposed to allowing them to crush me and snuff out the life in me.
I love the truth found in this scripture:
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Every single day I am thankful that He has worked all of the good, the bad, and the incredibly ugly things in my life into something good and beautiful, into a life that is rich and satisfying, a life that is pregnant with hope and possibilities for far greater beauty than I have yet known in my life.
So as I sit here looking at the time knowing that, in a few minutes, I will be 40, I am filled to overflowing with gratitude and thanksgiving. My heart is overwhelmed with the goodness of God and with the gift of life that He has given to me. I am filled with hope for my future, and bubbling up with joy for that which lies ahead. I am looking forward to 40 and every day that comes after it.
Tomorrow morning at 6:11 am, to be exact, I will be 40. I am excited, as crazy as that sounds. I am excited because I am more the woman I want to be, that I was made to be, now, at 40 ,than I was in my thirties. I have had some pretty tough times over the past decade...or more...yet, I have come to realize that those tough times have formed me into the woman I am today. Kind of like the way a raging river smooths out the jagged edges of a stone, life's difficulties have smoothed away many of my rough edges. I find that I am a much softer, kinder version of myself than I was even 5 years ago and certainly than I was 10 years ago.
I have often said that I would not trade my trials and my pain for what I have now, for who I am now. I believe that wholeheartedly. There are so many parts of me that have been formed and refined in the fires of these past several years. So much of the yuck, the superficial, the false self image have been totally burned up by these trials, leaving me in a much better place than I was before. And in their place, God has built up in me a much more firm foundation of truth, confidence, boldness, passion and love. When I think of my life in this light, I thank God every single day for the ability to use trials for good as opposed to allowing them to crush me and snuff out the life in me.
I love the truth found in this scripture:
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Every single day I am thankful that He has worked all of the good, the bad, and the incredibly ugly things in my life into something good and beautiful, into a life that is rich and satisfying, a life that is pregnant with hope and possibilities for far greater beauty than I have yet known in my life.
So as I sit here looking at the time knowing that, in a few minutes, I will be 40, I am filled to overflowing with gratitude and thanksgiving. My heart is overwhelmed with the goodness of God and with the gift of life that He has given to me. I am filled with hope for my future, and bubbling up with joy for that which lies ahead. I am looking forward to 40 and every day that comes after it.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Rooted and Grounded
After my control freak confession, I went on to have a day of being totally overwhelmed by my lack of control. I spent most of the day fighting a total meltdown. I watched the store empty out even more, listened to stories from long time customers, and then watched my precious friend Ron, our resident florist, move out of the building. That move nearly ripped my heart out. It made this whole thing even more real. Then the constant, in my face, reminder that my buddies will be leaving, probably while I am at a retreat this weekend.
But..I am not trying to make this about my extremely evident state of mourning! What I want to focus on, is the thing that makes it all ok. The thing that sets my heart into a place of peace and rest in the middle of the hurricane of emotions that I am experiencing. That thing...is Jesus. This morning, instead of spending my time journaling about my current heartbreak, I chose to journal about His goodness, His saving grace, and the way He loves. I reminded myself, as I praised Him, that I am His and He is mine.
I belong to the Living God. My heart is rooted and grounded in Him. My heart is set on the firm foundation of Jesus...His love, His life, His character, His death and resurrection. No matter what kind of turmoil or transition I may be in the midst of, I cannot be moved from the place of peace that I have in knowing that I am His beloved and that He has this all under control. I know that He is my strength. He is my rock, my refuge, He is my comfort.
So this morning, though I know the next few days will be tough and most likely painful, I am confident that my heart is safe in His hands and that I can have peace in the midst of it all.
But..I am not trying to make this about my extremely evident state of mourning! What I want to focus on, is the thing that makes it all ok. The thing that sets my heart into a place of peace and rest in the middle of the hurricane of emotions that I am experiencing. That thing...is Jesus. This morning, instead of spending my time journaling about my current heartbreak, I chose to journal about His goodness, His saving grace, and the way He loves. I reminded myself, as I praised Him, that I am His and He is mine.
I belong to the Living God. My heart is rooted and grounded in Him. My heart is set on the firm foundation of Jesus...His love, His life, His character, His death and resurrection. No matter what kind of turmoil or transition I may be in the midst of, I cannot be moved from the place of peace that I have in knowing that I am His beloved and that He has this all under control. I know that He is my strength. He is my rock, my refuge, He is my comfort.
So this morning, though I know the next few days will be tough and most likely painful, I am confident that my heart is safe in His hands and that I can have peace in the midst of it all.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Confession of a Control Freak
I have recently re-discovered some truths that are easy for me to forget from time to time.
The most prominent one right now is that I am not in control. Did you hear me? I am NOT in control. I try to be in control. I want to be in control. No, actually,"want" is quite weak....I really LONG to be in control. I am a bit of a control freak. But guess what? I cannot control it all. I cannot control what happens around me, or the people that I encounter. I cannot control every situation, how people will act or respond or what they will say. I am not the boss of life. There...I said it. Now, truthfully, I have had this little revelation time and time again, but apparently, I forget and think I am in control every once in a while.
My current situation is out of my control...out of my hands. I have to choose to trust God and believe that He has the very best for me. I have to remind myself that the One who IS in control loves me, cares for my heart and chooses well for me. He is the only one that knows the very best for me and in His great love for me, He desires that I have it. Honestly, when I take time to let that sink in, there is such great peace and safety in the knowledge that God is in control. I can lean into Him, rest in His goodness and His wisdom and the way that He loves me, and live my life in peace. My daily struggle is believing that truth so deep in my heart that I live it, because we all know that just because our brain knows something does not, in fact, mean that our heart believes it. I think it is a struggle for most of us...believing the goodness of God toward us...believing that He can and will choose best for us. The good thing is...I do believe that He is madly in love with me! I know that He desires the very best for me. I know that if I choose to follow Him , He will lead me on the path to the life He has planned for me. Now...if I could just relax and let that all happen!
So..this week...my battle is to believe that He is in control and to believe this scripture:
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Transition Part 2
So here I am on the tail end of the liquidation of the warehouse. I had no idea that a job could have such a sweet place in my heart. I certainly had no idea that my emotions were so wrapped up in a location and in merchandise....but somehow it happened. Everyday that I work, I watch more and more of the unique and whimsical things that made our store special walk out of the door forever. I am so happy for the guys that they are making money, yet it is bitter sweet, for I think somehow a little bit of my heart got rather attached to those things. When I stand in the lobby and look into the warehouse, it breaks my heart just a little bit more each day. Next week, we will stop selling and start packing. And then...it will be over.
I could say that it is all the "stuff", but it isn't. I grew in that place. Creativity was so encouraged by my boss, Judy. She really trusted me and encouraged me to step out and build displays. She would call me and ask my advice, which always killed me, because she was like the master visual artist! She drew things out of me that I had no idea were even in there! I loved it. I love her.
I never expected to love this job. I really thought it was just a part time job to help me get by. I did not know that God would use it to stretch me. He didn't just stretch me creatively either. He stretched me in the area of loving those I would never have expected to love. The wide variety of people that I encountered was so outside of my normal little circle. And you know what? I found out that lifestyles, labels, and past mistakes do not make a person. I actually learned to look into the hearts of these people, get to know them and found that I really care about them. It makes me smile just to think of it.
So now what?
Well, first, I must say that I believe that God can make all things beautiful...even those things that are painful and difficult. In my first post about transition, I made mention of the possibility of making new friends. When I actually softened up a bit and dropped down those walls I had up (they were more like fortifications around a castle haha!) , I did, indeed, make some new friends. These guys are so much fun, have been so kind, and have definitely treated me well. The pain of losing my job, and all that is wrapped up in it, has certainly been lessened by the gift of new friends. (Though they live 4 hours away...but hey, I have a rather large group of people 20 hours away that I adore...distance is soooooo not a big deal when you love people!)
Second...a new job, of course. Will it be as wonderful? I cannot imagine, but hey, I never thought this one would be so wonderful. I am willing to keep an open mind and jump in with a positive attitude and hopeful heart. Although I have a job lined up, I have gotten a few other offers. I am weighing options, considering interviews, and waiting to see what God's best is for me. I know He will not lead me astray. I will end up exactly where I am supposed to be....just like last time. I do not doubt that even for a second.
I have faced transitions before. Some are harder than others. Some are more welcome than others. I have literally danced after leaving a job, knowing I was finally free! Every single time I feel I learn valuable lessons. What was it this time? I am not sure I have pinpointed it yet. I know that it was easier to work and more possible to have fun when I gave up trying to do it all my way. It always helps to drop my pride and see that other people know what they are doing too haha! I definitely saw my strong will in this one. It was so obvious and in my face that I could no longer deny it. I learned ways to do business and ways not to do business. And I am pretty sure there is more...to be figured out over time, when I can actually look back and ponder.
The nice thing is, that though I am losing my job and all of the magic that came with the warehouse, I feel like I have gained more than I lost. The people that I have in my life as a result of this job...priceless gifts, each one a treasure. When I look back, some of the people in my life that I love most have come from jobs...especially the job I danced over!
I am a little nervous about the end...how my heart will feel when I walk away from the warehouse for the last time, when I have to say good bye to people I care about, when I go home knowing that I do not get to go and do it all over again the next day. But, I know that the keeper of my heart is faithful and He will be my comfort. So for the next 2 weeks, I purpose to enjoy every moment,even the packing, God help me! Then, I will take time to ponder, to see what else God has taught me in the midst of this and to see what He has in front of me.
I could say that it is all the "stuff", but it isn't. I grew in that place. Creativity was so encouraged by my boss, Judy. She really trusted me and encouraged me to step out and build displays. She would call me and ask my advice, which always killed me, because she was like the master visual artist! She drew things out of me that I had no idea were even in there! I loved it. I love her.
I never expected to love this job. I really thought it was just a part time job to help me get by. I did not know that God would use it to stretch me. He didn't just stretch me creatively either. He stretched me in the area of loving those I would never have expected to love. The wide variety of people that I encountered was so outside of my normal little circle. And you know what? I found out that lifestyles, labels, and past mistakes do not make a person. I actually learned to look into the hearts of these people, get to know them and found that I really care about them. It makes me smile just to think of it.
So now what?
Well, first, I must say that I believe that God can make all things beautiful...even those things that are painful and difficult. In my first post about transition, I made mention of the possibility of making new friends. When I actually softened up a bit and dropped down those walls I had up (they were more like fortifications around a castle haha!) , I did, indeed, make some new friends. These guys are so much fun, have been so kind, and have definitely treated me well. The pain of losing my job, and all that is wrapped up in it, has certainly been lessened by the gift of new friends. (Though they live 4 hours away...but hey, I have a rather large group of people 20 hours away that I adore...distance is soooooo not a big deal when you love people!)
Second...a new job, of course. Will it be as wonderful? I cannot imagine, but hey, I never thought this one would be so wonderful. I am willing to keep an open mind and jump in with a positive attitude and hopeful heart. Although I have a job lined up, I have gotten a few other offers. I am weighing options, considering interviews, and waiting to see what God's best is for me. I know He will not lead me astray. I will end up exactly where I am supposed to be....just like last time. I do not doubt that even for a second.
I have faced transitions before. Some are harder than others. Some are more welcome than others. I have literally danced after leaving a job, knowing I was finally free! Every single time I feel I learn valuable lessons. What was it this time? I am not sure I have pinpointed it yet. I know that it was easier to work and more possible to have fun when I gave up trying to do it all my way. It always helps to drop my pride and see that other people know what they are doing too haha! I definitely saw my strong will in this one. It was so obvious and in my face that I could no longer deny it. I learned ways to do business and ways not to do business. And I am pretty sure there is more...to be figured out over time, when I can actually look back and ponder.
The nice thing is, that though I am losing my job and all of the magic that came with the warehouse, I feel like I have gained more than I lost. The people that I have in my life as a result of this job...priceless gifts, each one a treasure. When I look back, some of the people in my life that I love most have come from jobs...especially the job I danced over!
I am a little nervous about the end...how my heart will feel when I walk away from the warehouse for the last time, when I have to say good bye to people I care about, when I go home knowing that I do not get to go and do it all over again the next day. But, I know that the keeper of my heart is faithful and He will be my comfort. So for the next 2 weeks, I purpose to enjoy every moment,even the packing, God help me! Then, I will take time to ponder, to see what else God has taught me in the midst of this and to see what He has in front of me.
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