After my control freak confession, I went on to have a day of being totally overwhelmed by my lack of control. I spent most of the day fighting a total meltdown. I watched the store empty out even more, listened to stories from long time customers, and then watched my precious friend Ron, our resident florist, move out of the building. That move nearly ripped my heart out. It made this whole thing even more real. Then the constant, in my face, reminder that my buddies will be leaving, probably while I am at a retreat this weekend.
But..I am not trying to make this about my extremely evident state of mourning! What I want to focus on, is the thing that makes it all ok. The thing that sets my heart into a place of peace and rest in the middle of the hurricane of emotions that I am experiencing. That thing...is Jesus. This morning, instead of spending my time journaling about my current heartbreak, I chose to journal about His goodness, His saving grace, and the way He loves. I reminded myself, as I praised Him, that I am His and He is mine.
I belong to the Living God. My heart is rooted and grounded in Him. My heart is set on the firm foundation of Jesus...His love, His life, His character, His death and resurrection. No matter what kind of turmoil or transition I may be in the midst of, I cannot be moved from the place of peace that I have in knowing that I am His beloved and that He has this all under control. I know that He is my strength. He is my rock, my refuge, He is my comfort.
So this morning, though I know the next few days will be tough and most likely painful, I am confident that my heart is safe in His hands and that I can have peace in the midst of it all.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Confession of a Control Freak
I have recently re-discovered some truths that are easy for me to forget from time to time.
The most prominent one right now is that I am not in control. Did you hear me? I am NOT in control. I try to be in control. I want to be in control. No, actually,"want" is quite weak....I really LONG to be in control. I am a bit of a control freak. But guess what? I cannot control it all. I cannot control what happens around me, or the people that I encounter. I cannot control every situation, how people will act or respond or what they will say. I am not the boss of life. There...I said it. Now, truthfully, I have had this little revelation time and time again, but apparently, I forget and think I am in control every once in a while.
My current situation is out of my control...out of my hands. I have to choose to trust God and believe that He has the very best for me. I have to remind myself that the One who IS in control loves me, cares for my heart and chooses well for me. He is the only one that knows the very best for me and in His great love for me, He desires that I have it. Honestly, when I take time to let that sink in, there is such great peace and safety in the knowledge that God is in control. I can lean into Him, rest in His goodness and His wisdom and the way that He loves me, and live my life in peace. My daily struggle is believing that truth so deep in my heart that I live it, because we all know that just because our brain knows something does not, in fact, mean that our heart believes it. I think it is a struggle for most of us...believing the goodness of God toward us...believing that He can and will choose best for us. The good thing is...I do believe that He is madly in love with me! I know that He desires the very best for me. I know that if I choose to follow Him , He will lead me on the path to the life He has planned for me. Now...if I could just relax and let that all happen!
So..this week...my battle is to believe that He is in control and to believe this scripture:
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Transition Part 2
So here I am on the tail end of the liquidation of the warehouse. I had no idea that a job could have such a sweet place in my heart. I certainly had no idea that my emotions were so wrapped up in a location and in merchandise....but somehow it happened. Everyday that I work, I watch more and more of the unique and whimsical things that made our store special walk out of the door forever. I am so happy for the guys that they are making money, yet it is bitter sweet, for I think somehow a little bit of my heart got rather attached to those things. When I stand in the lobby and look into the warehouse, it breaks my heart just a little bit more each day. Next week, we will stop selling and start packing. And then...it will be over.
I could say that it is all the "stuff", but it isn't. I grew in that place. Creativity was so encouraged by my boss, Judy. She really trusted me and encouraged me to step out and build displays. She would call me and ask my advice, which always killed me, because she was like the master visual artist! She drew things out of me that I had no idea were even in there! I loved it. I love her.
I never expected to love this job. I really thought it was just a part time job to help me get by. I did not know that God would use it to stretch me. He didn't just stretch me creatively either. He stretched me in the area of loving those I would never have expected to love. The wide variety of people that I encountered was so outside of my normal little circle. And you know what? I found out that lifestyles, labels, and past mistakes do not make a person. I actually learned to look into the hearts of these people, get to know them and found that I really care about them. It makes me smile just to think of it.
So now what?
Well, first, I must say that I believe that God can make all things beautiful...even those things that are painful and difficult. In my first post about transition, I made mention of the possibility of making new friends. When I actually softened up a bit and dropped down those walls I had up (they were more like fortifications around a castle haha!) , I did, indeed, make some new friends. These guys are so much fun, have been so kind, and have definitely treated me well. The pain of losing my job, and all that is wrapped up in it, has certainly been lessened by the gift of new friends. (Though they live 4 hours away...but hey, I have a rather large group of people 20 hours away that I adore...distance is soooooo not a big deal when you love people!)
Second...a new job, of course. Will it be as wonderful? I cannot imagine, but hey, I never thought this one would be so wonderful. I am willing to keep an open mind and jump in with a positive attitude and hopeful heart. Although I have a job lined up, I have gotten a few other offers. I am weighing options, considering interviews, and waiting to see what God's best is for me. I know He will not lead me astray. I will end up exactly where I am supposed to be....just like last time. I do not doubt that even for a second.
I have faced transitions before. Some are harder than others. Some are more welcome than others. I have literally danced after leaving a job, knowing I was finally free! Every single time I feel I learn valuable lessons. What was it this time? I am not sure I have pinpointed it yet. I know that it was easier to work and more possible to have fun when I gave up trying to do it all my way. It always helps to drop my pride and see that other people know what they are doing too haha! I definitely saw my strong will in this one. It was so obvious and in my face that I could no longer deny it. I learned ways to do business and ways not to do business. And I am pretty sure there is more...to be figured out over time, when I can actually look back and ponder.
The nice thing is, that though I am losing my job and all of the magic that came with the warehouse, I feel like I have gained more than I lost. The people that I have in my life as a result of this job...priceless gifts, each one a treasure. When I look back, some of the people in my life that I love most have come from jobs...especially the job I danced over!
I am a little nervous about the end...how my heart will feel when I walk away from the warehouse for the last time, when I have to say good bye to people I care about, when I go home knowing that I do not get to go and do it all over again the next day. But, I know that the keeper of my heart is faithful and He will be my comfort. So for the next 2 weeks, I purpose to enjoy every moment,even the packing, God help me! Then, I will take time to ponder, to see what else God has taught me in the midst of this and to see what He has in front of me.
I could say that it is all the "stuff", but it isn't. I grew in that place. Creativity was so encouraged by my boss, Judy. She really trusted me and encouraged me to step out and build displays. She would call me and ask my advice, which always killed me, because she was like the master visual artist! She drew things out of me that I had no idea were even in there! I loved it. I love her.
I never expected to love this job. I really thought it was just a part time job to help me get by. I did not know that God would use it to stretch me. He didn't just stretch me creatively either. He stretched me in the area of loving those I would never have expected to love. The wide variety of people that I encountered was so outside of my normal little circle. And you know what? I found out that lifestyles, labels, and past mistakes do not make a person. I actually learned to look into the hearts of these people, get to know them and found that I really care about them. It makes me smile just to think of it.
So now what?
Well, first, I must say that I believe that God can make all things beautiful...even those things that are painful and difficult. In my first post about transition, I made mention of the possibility of making new friends. When I actually softened up a bit and dropped down those walls I had up (they were more like fortifications around a castle haha!) , I did, indeed, make some new friends. These guys are so much fun, have been so kind, and have definitely treated me well. The pain of losing my job, and all that is wrapped up in it, has certainly been lessened by the gift of new friends. (Though they live 4 hours away...but hey, I have a rather large group of people 20 hours away that I adore...distance is soooooo not a big deal when you love people!)
Second...a new job, of course. Will it be as wonderful? I cannot imagine, but hey, I never thought this one would be so wonderful. I am willing to keep an open mind and jump in with a positive attitude and hopeful heart. Although I have a job lined up, I have gotten a few other offers. I am weighing options, considering interviews, and waiting to see what God's best is for me. I know He will not lead me astray. I will end up exactly where I am supposed to be....just like last time. I do not doubt that even for a second.
I have faced transitions before. Some are harder than others. Some are more welcome than others. I have literally danced after leaving a job, knowing I was finally free! Every single time I feel I learn valuable lessons. What was it this time? I am not sure I have pinpointed it yet. I know that it was easier to work and more possible to have fun when I gave up trying to do it all my way. It always helps to drop my pride and see that other people know what they are doing too haha! I definitely saw my strong will in this one. It was so obvious and in my face that I could no longer deny it. I learned ways to do business and ways not to do business. And I am pretty sure there is more...to be figured out over time, when I can actually look back and ponder.
The nice thing is, that though I am losing my job and all of the magic that came with the warehouse, I feel like I have gained more than I lost. The people that I have in my life as a result of this job...priceless gifts, each one a treasure. When I look back, some of the people in my life that I love most have come from jobs...especially the job I danced over!
I am a little nervous about the end...how my heart will feel when I walk away from the warehouse for the last time, when I have to say good bye to people I care about, when I go home knowing that I do not get to go and do it all over again the next day. But, I know that the keeper of my heart is faithful and He will be my comfort. So for the next 2 weeks, I purpose to enjoy every moment,even the packing, God help me! Then, I will take time to ponder, to see what else God has taught me in the midst of this and to see what He has in front of me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)