He is serious

I am learning new things about God all of the time. This is a pretty exciting thing. I guess what I am finding ,though, is that He is serious about stuff. I realize that sounds ridiculous. I mean, really, what else would God be? I don't mean He doesn't joke..I think He does. I am certain He has joked with me. What I mean is that when He reveals things to me, when He speaks to me, when He offers me solutions...He is serious. When I offer things to Him, like I recently did, He is serious...so He takes me seriously.

In moments of being touched by the beautiful heart of the Holy Spirit, I cry out to Him offering to Him all of myself, all of my heart, all of my life, all of my relationships, all of my possessions...everything. He listens..and He takes me seriously. Don't think that if you offer it to Him in a moment of emotion that He thinks you are kidding. I have the feeling that He waits for those moments..those moments when we give Him parts of our hearts that we have held on to..and then He jumps in with joy to begin working on our hearts...with our permission. I just think sometimes we offer things to Him not really expecting Him to take us seriously..almost like we are offering Him lip service. But He is truth...He is righteousness..He is the lover of our souls and the maker of our hearts. He knows what we need and He knows that even if we aren't totally serious at the moment that we offer our brokenness to Him that we still need Him to come and heal us. We still need Him to come and free us.

I just imagine Him sending the Holy Spirit to touch us and to soften us so that we will ask for the very thing He wants to give to us. I feel He wants to give to me an understanding of leaning on Him. I think He is drawing me to a place of being fully dependent on Him, not on man or things or position or even comfort. I think He wants to reveal to me that I am fully found in Him...not in any false ideals that I have in this life.

So here I am again...it is agonizing to actually give Him the things that I offer to Him. The act of offering is much different than the act of obediently handing over things. Yet, even in that place of pain, I say to Him, come and have your way. I offer it all to you...give me the strength Jesus to hand over the things I offer to you.

Wholeness...is it really possible?

So, I am pondering..in my own mind and heart and with Jesus...is it really possible to be whole? I mean we say it is, we trust God for it, but in this life, here on earth, is it possible? I have moments when I think I have it all together (really seconds..but moments does not sound as desperate), but truthfully, I am broken. I am really broken. I see it all the time, usually after a loving, honest friend reveals it. So, if I see it all the time..why am I so surprised every single time?

In the last couple months it has been brought to my attention by dear friends and the Father that I am seeking some of my wholeness from other people. This, friends,does not work. It just leads to more brokenness. People and things cannot fill the holes in our hearts...they cannot even patch the cracks very well. It is kind of like putting a band-aid on a severed limb. I feel certain it is fairly ineffective.

I have a feeling God is highlighting this stuff before I go to Kansas City for a reason. His timing is not by accident. He is purposeful. I have this feeling that God is about to do some "surgery"...some realigning...some healing of the age old foundations(35 years old in practical terms) . So many of my foundations are faulty. My confidence is built on the thoughts of others, my worth has been built on how others value me, my satisfaction is built upon how much you satisfy me. Yet, I know that I know that I know that my confidence is found in Him. I am a child of the living God. I know that I am valuable because He made me..and He makes no mistakes. I am never going to be satisfied by a man, a woman, a child, a house, a job, a relationship because ONLY HE SATISFIES.

So, I welcome the challenge to become whole in Him..to be fully found in Him, to be fully dependent on Him..even if I never have another friend, lover, spouse...I want to know Him and who I am in Him. So I boldly say to Him, come and have your way Jesus...I surrender it all..every relationship, every thing I have ever known to You. I am Yours.