Being Content

I should totally be packing, as Mia and I will be leaving tomorrow to visit a friend for a few days. BUT...in true Amy fashion, I am procrastinating. I hate to pack, and I can excuse waiting to pack tonight, because most of my clothes are still in the dryer. So, while I procrastinate, I thought I would throw down a few thoughts that have been rattling around in my brain for the past 2 days.

I am struggling to put my thoughts into words. They fly around in my mind like tissue paper being blown by a breeze. It is difficult to grasp them, like I have to chase down every. single. one! Ugh!

I want to talk about being content with one's self. Pretty much since my separation and divorce, I have been learning to be content with myself. I was in a relationship with the same man for 19 years prior to our separation. I  had never really been alone. I liked being married. I liked the companionship. I liked being able to share hopes and dreams with someone. I liked never having to be alone. I liked always having my very best friend right there with me. So when those things were taken away from me, I had to learn how to like me...just me...by myself. Of course, I had my little Mia with me, but you all know what I mean. In the last 5 years, I have really learned to be content with being single. I have learned to like myself. I have learned a lot of things about myself that I did not even know were there or that had been pushed aside during my relationship. Some things are silly, like I really love flip flops and toe nail polish. Some things are a bit more fantastic, like I am actually rather bold and adventurous and enjoy packing up Mia and our stuff and traveling. I am saying all of this because I have been learning the value of enjoying the person that I am, the person that I was made to be, and I am discovering more about myself all of the time. I have learned that I do not, in fact, need a man. Now, don't freak out and think I have gone all crazy and feminist. What I mean is that I can be alone and be ok. I am happy, with or without a spouse. I am content.

I think because I have been walking through this, when I see someone who is so desperately striving to find a partner to make them happy, it stands out like a sore thumb to me. My heart aches for those who cannot be happy for one moment alone. I want so much to share with them how precious and valuable they are..how very likeable...if they would only take the time to get to know themselves.An example is a guy I know. He is perpetually on the search for a woman. This guy is kind, soft spoken, generous and a hard worker. He is a good guy. He takes his whole heart and pours it into women who are not interested or who want to take advantage of his good nature. Then, when they "just want to be friends", he is crushed, depressed and even at times, suicidal. It really breaks my heart. He simply cannot be happy alone. I pray for him. It is all I know to do.

I don't know that this thought has an end. I think this is just a few pieces of that tissue paper. I guess I just wish there was a way to show people that it is ok to be alone. It is even good to be alone for a time. I am not saying that I want to always be alone. I do think that one day, I will be married again. But for now, I am content. My time alone has opened my eyes and taught me many things.

Now, I better go get those clothes out of the dryer and go to bed. I can only procrastinate for so long.

Family

Earlier this week, my boss's mother passed away. My heart aches for her loss, as I cannot even begin to fathom what that pain feels like. Her father passed away several years ago, so now she and her brother are all that is left of their original family unit.  As I thought about this, it shined a bright and rather sober light on the issue of family relationships. When we are born, if we are fortunate, we are born into a family. Maybe it is a mom and a dad, maybe just one or the other and maybe you get amazingly blessed with siblings down the road. I happen to be the oldest of 4. I have 2 sisters and a brother. I have a mom and dad who have been married for 41 years. I love it. I love each one of them so much.

But back to that sober light. You know, one day, each one of us will die. It is just how it is ; it is life. Our days are numbered. Our life is but  a breath. We have all heard these sayings. But do we take these words seriously? Or have they become cliche'? I do not want to regret how I have spent my days. I do not want to look back with sorrow on how I treated my family, the ones I love and value. I do not want to waste my moments with them in arguments or ridiculous drama. I just don't!

When someone dies, it is too late to say I am sorry. It is too late to do anything to reconcile the rifts that were caused by cruel, thoughtless words. It is too late to enjoy being with your loved one, their laugh, the funny way they say certain words, the facial expressions that seem to be unique to them. It is too late.

We should value those we love and treat them with kindness. We should forgive quickly. We should never talk ugly about them behind their backs. We should always give them the benefit of the doubt. We should pursue the truth about them and look for the best inside of them, so that we can draw it out.

I value my family. I want to live my life in such a way that I do not have regrets about my relationships with them. I want to love them well.

Some days...

I have the pleasure of educating Mia at home. I am so thankful for the freedom to be able to do that. She gets one on one attention, deeper study into those things that she is struggling with, and she gets to dance and sing and make American Girl frisbees and hopscotch boards when we take a break. She even gets to do school in her pajamas if she wants, and so do I!

Some days I actually feel the pleasure of teaching her and getting to spend the whole day together. We learn together, we laugh together, we go out and enjoy nature. Some days we go on field trips to Jamestown or to pick apples with friends on Carter's Mountain. Those days are priceless treasures in the journey of motherhood and home education.

And then...some days....I get to see the very deepest depths of the depravity of my own soul. I get so highly agitated by an " I hate school!" attitude and I struggle every. single. moment. I want to scream. I want to throw all of the books across the room. I want to toss Mia into the other room, close the door and scream some more...all so I do not have social services called on me.

Thankfully, most days are a combo....a few moments of " Oh my gosh, social services is going to come knocking on my door" mixed in with moments of " Oh my gosh, do I really get to do this with my life? Do I really get to teach my kid and be with her all day?".

Honestly, being a mother and a teacher are tough jobs, but they are also the most rewarding of all jobs in my opinion. I get the joy of watching my child grow and learn. I get the sheer delight of experiencing new things with her every day. I mean, today, we looked up pictures of shrews, because they live on the forest floor and  were mentioned in our science book. She shrieked with delight at how cute they were to her. I mean, how fun is that?!

So today had it's ups and downs, but we managed to both make it through school unscathed. Next week will be a new adventure. We shall see how it turns out, taking one moment at a time.

Peaceful or Lonely...

After spending the last 5 days with most of my family in Nags Head, NC, it is now just me, Mia and my Mama. It is rather difficult to decide whether I feel peaceful or a bit lonely...maybe a little of both. I got sweet hugs, kisses and snuggles from Emmie and Judah whenever I wanted (and they were willing to give...you know how little ones can play hard to get) and had my sisters and teenage nieces to chat with whenever I felt like talking. Even Daddy came this year, which is a first! I am sure that  my brother-in-law, Ryan, was grateful to finally have a man here. Poor guy...he tolerates an awful lot of estrogen on this annual vacation.

Daddy, Rachel, Ryan and Judah left yesterday and Anna, Quillen, Singrid and Emmie left today. Mia definitely feels the lonely side of things. She could care less about peace. She loves the loud, chaos that is our family when we are all together and she misses it. She even misses Judah! It is funny, just writing that made me realize something about her. Though Mia is definitely a stereotypical only child in so many ways, she loves people. She loves family. She loves BIG family. She does enjoy her quiet, alone time, but not for too long. Many times I wonder if she would prefer to have a room of her own in a house that is just ours. Damon agonizes over it almost daily, thinking it would better for her. Yet, I see now how much she loves having others around. I think she would be lonely. I think living at my parents' house is good for her. She can hang out alone or with just me, but when she craves extra attention or needs a change, she just runs down the steps and hangs with her Grandma and big Daddy. My siblings, nieces and nephew are in and out of the house all of the time. She is always able to be with family. Sometimes it can be stressful, but overall it is a good thing.

Well, I am rambling. In the end, I totally enjoyed having all of my family here, less my brother, Bryan. He is not so much a beach person and has not been convinced to join us...yet. Having them all gone means no tense moments, no whining little ones, and quiet. It also means no rooms full of laughter and stories and kisses and hugs and pure, unadulterated silliness.  I love my family, and I am so incredibly grateful for each of them. I am so thankful for the way we all love each other so passionately, so fiercely, so fully. And I am also thankful for the quiet moments away when I can miss them. It makes me appreciate them and our brand of chaos all the more.

Stepping Out

So...at the suggestion of my wonderful and wise friend, Miranda, I am going to try this blogging thing again. It is hard to say how it will turn out. I pretty much struggle with being consistent in things that are not mandatory. I see it in my guitar playing, my exercise, my healthy eating, my photography...see what I am saying?! I don't HAVE to do those things. I should, but no one is making me.  God has been stretching me in the area of self discipline this year, and maybe, this is another one of those places He is highlighting.

I really have never thought of myself as one who writes or even writes well. I just put thoughts into words in my journal or in a prophetic word for others, but to write for the sake of writing...well, I just have not seen it. I went to the Gathering of Artisans this weekend and took a work shop on the scribal anointing and it awakened something in my heart. I remember writing as a kid and enjoying it. I realized that I have filled hundreds of pages in my journals over the years and have enjoyed doing it. Then I went back and read the first year or two of this blog and actually really enjoyed reading what I wrote. It kind of shocked me.

So, while I have lots of thoughts brewing in my head, I do not have them quite ready to put in words. I just figured I better post something or it might never happen. Maybe later today or tomorrow I will write about this past weekend and all that God awakened in my heart. There is a theme...a common thread that showed up. I want to ponder it and maybe right here is a good place to do that.