Freedom

As far as I know, we closed on the sale of our house yesterday.This means that today I am free from a mortgage, home owner's insurance and real estate taxes (which always really annoyed me). I think I like this feeling of freedom. As I drove to the mechanic's last night, to leave my car for routine service, I could not stop smiling.

Now, this is the total opposite of where I was on Thursday when I cleaned the house and walked away for the last time. I thought I was doing great while I was cleaning, noticing all of the flaws in the house, thinking about how much work it would take to make it beautiful. Then as I walked through the kitchen for the last time, I broke down and sobbed. When you sell your house, you cannot change your mind in a few days. This is a final permanent choice...unless I choose to buy it back one day, which seems unlikely. It was painful to walk away. That surprised me. I expected to feel sad, but I did not expect it to hurt so badly. I finally went to the car, where I felt I could not leave. I just sat there sobbing for a bit. Then it began to rain. I felt like the Lord was weeping with me. What a sweet thought..that the Lord loves me so much that His heart ached with mine. As I drove to my parent's house, I kept thinking it would get better, but it pretty much hurt all night.

Really, for me, I think this was a tangible sign of the end of this season in my life. I am still facing the legalities of a divorce, but the emptiness of my house made it real. It felt final. The up side to this pain is that joy comes in the morning. Friday morning I felt better. I felt more free. But yesterday...yesterday when I knew that the closing was really happening..that was awesome. My precious friend, Janet, mentioned that maybe the wait from Friday to Monday for closing was God's way of making my heart ready. I think she is wise. Friday I was ready because the house was clean and empty and I wanted the band aid ripped off so I could heal. Yesterday, I wanted it done so I could have my money and get on with my life. I told Janet that I had cried and now I wanted to be paid for it!

Tomorrow I will get in my car and head to Kansas City, staying one night with my best friend, Deanna, on the way. I cannot explain the excitement, the longing in my heart to be in Kansas City. It is not the place itself, for I tell you it is not the most beautiful place I've ever been. It is who and what is there. I cannot wait to see my friends. I cannot wait to sit in the prayer room. I cannot wait to see Mia's face when she sees her friends and to see her dance before the Lord in the prayer room. I can barely stand it. I wish I could go today.

Do not misunderstand me though. I love my friends and family in Richmond. I could not have made it through this time without them. And, I love the prayer room at RIHOP. It is no sweeter to sit in the prayer room in KC than it is to sit in the prayer room in Richmond. It is just that there is something in my heart that I cannot explain that longs to be in KC right now. I am praying that the Lord will refresh and renew my heart while I am there, so that I will be prepared for what He has planned for me in Richmond.

I love my life. I love that I am on an adventure. I love that I am loved. I love that He is teaching me to trust Him. I feel happy, and I feel free.