Waiting

For a long time now, I have been in a place of wondering and waiting. What is my destiny? Where will I live? What is God calling me to do? Will I be a missionary to the nations? Will I, will I ,will I? When is the other question. When God, when?

I have discovered a lot about myself in the place of waiting. I am impatient. I want things to happen right now. I do not want to wait. Yet, God has shown me that this place of waiting has a lot to do with learning to be patient. I have also learned that I am a control freak. I want things to happen the way I have imagined and in my own time. I want to control the way it all happens. Yet, God is using this waiting to teach me that in reality, I want Him to be in control. I will make a mess of things if I do them my own way in my own time. Isaiah 55: 9 says it all. " For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." I know He is smarter than me. I mean, He created the universe...and me.

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have prayed from Song of Solomon 8:5 " Who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning upon her beloved?" I want to come up leaning. I want to lean upon the goodness of the Lord. I want to lean upon His wisdom. I want to lean upon His perfect timing. I want to be fully given over to Him, living a life of complete surrender, a life laid down in total love and adoration.

BUT OH MY GOSH..THE WAIT! I have decided that the wait has many paradoxes. It is terribly beautiful. It is a tortuous mystery. It is the most wonderfully awful place to be. Just this week, though, I have had an epiphany. I think secretly, I like the wait. I see it for what it is a bit more clearly these days than before. The wait is alluring and mysterious. It reveals God's nature so much more than if He just let me do what I want when I want. I get the pleasure of seeking Him, listening for Him, trusting in Him, waiting on Him. I have a feeling that when this season of waiting is over and His plans and purposes are revealed, I will miss it a little. I feel pretty confident that I will look back on this time with affection.

Of course, there will be more waiting. It is always about waiting. It is always about trusting. It will always be there, but I have a sense that each season of waiting is unique...never like the ones before. That is the beauty of loving a mysterious God. He loves to be sought out, so He hides in the midst of the waiting, longing to be found. I will always seek Him...it is a persistence He has put in me. I cannot idly sit by wondering what He is up to. I have to go after Him. It is how I was made. I am learning to do it with His purposes in mind, instead of my own selfish motives.

For now, I daily ask for strength to wait. I ask that He will lead me into the light and reveal Himself to me. For when He reveals His plans, I will be ready. I will come up leaning, because He has taught me to wait. It is my destiny...I just know it.