Being Content

I should totally be packing, as Mia and I will be leaving tomorrow to visit a friend for a few days. BUT...in true Amy fashion, I am procrastinating. I hate to pack, and I can excuse waiting to pack tonight, because most of my clothes are still in the dryer. So, while I procrastinate, I thought I would throw down a few thoughts that have been rattling around in my brain for the past 2 days.

I am struggling to put my thoughts into words. They fly around in my mind like tissue paper being blown by a breeze. It is difficult to grasp them, like I have to chase down every. single. one! Ugh!

I want to talk about being content with one's self. Pretty much since my separation and divorce, I have been learning to be content with myself. I was in a relationship with the same man for 19 years prior to our separation. I  had never really been alone. I liked being married. I liked the companionship. I liked being able to share hopes and dreams with someone. I liked never having to be alone. I liked always having my very best friend right there with me. So when those things were taken away from me, I had to learn how to like me...just me...by myself. Of course, I had my little Mia with me, but you all know what I mean. In the last 5 years, I have really learned to be content with being single. I have learned to like myself. I have learned a lot of things about myself that I did not even know were there or that had been pushed aside during my relationship. Some things are silly, like I really love flip flops and toe nail polish. Some things are a bit more fantastic, like I am actually rather bold and adventurous and enjoy packing up Mia and our stuff and traveling. I am saying all of this because I have been learning the value of enjoying the person that I am, the person that I was made to be, and I am discovering more about myself all of the time. I have learned that I do not, in fact, need a man. Now, don't freak out and think I have gone all crazy and feminist. What I mean is that I can be alone and be ok. I am happy, with or without a spouse. I am content.

I think because I have been walking through this, when I see someone who is so desperately striving to find a partner to make them happy, it stands out like a sore thumb to me. My heart aches for those who cannot be happy for one moment alone. I want so much to share with them how precious and valuable they are..how very likeable...if they would only take the time to get to know themselves.An example is a guy I know. He is perpetually on the search for a woman. This guy is kind, soft spoken, generous and a hard worker. He is a good guy. He takes his whole heart and pours it into women who are not interested or who want to take advantage of his good nature. Then, when they "just want to be friends", he is crushed, depressed and even at times, suicidal. It really breaks my heart. He simply cannot be happy alone. I pray for him. It is all I know to do.

I don't know that this thought has an end. I think this is just a few pieces of that tissue paper. I guess I just wish there was a way to show people that it is ok to be alone. It is even good to be alone for a time. I am not saying that I want to always be alone. I do think that one day, I will be married again. But for now, I am content. My time alone has opened my eyes and taught me many things.

Now, I better go get those clothes out of the dryer and go to bed. I can only procrastinate for so long.