Beginning Again....

How often do I decide that today I will begin to write again??? Sheesh, you would think that I would grow weary of starting over and over and over again. This time, I actually considered totally dumping this blog and REALLY beginning again. But, you know, lately I have been reminded, rather frequently, that even those things in my past which did not turn out as I had planned are useful. Maybe that is where I will go with this tonight, on the eve of my 40th birthday.

Tomorrow morning at 6:11 am, to be exact, I will be 40. I am excited, as crazy as that sounds. I am excited because I am more the woman I want to be, that I was made to be, now, at 40 ,than I was in my thirties. I have had some pretty tough times over the past decade...or more...yet, I have come to realize that those tough times have formed me into the woman I am today. Kind of like the way a raging river smooths out the jagged edges of a stone, life's difficulties have smoothed away many of my rough edges. I find that I am a much softer, kinder version of myself than I was even 5 years ago and certainly than I was 10 years ago.

I have often said that I would not trade my trials and my pain for what I have now, for who I am now. I believe that wholeheartedly. There are so many parts of me that have been formed and refined in the fires of these past several years. So much of the yuck, the superficial, the false self image have been totally burned up by these trials, leaving me in a much better place than I was before. And in their place, God has built up in me a much more firm foundation of truth, confidence, boldness, passion and love. When I think of my life in this light, I thank God every single day for the ability to use trials for good as opposed to allowing them to crush me and snuff out the life in me. 

I love the truth found in this scripture:

Romans 8:28

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Every single day I am thankful that He has worked all of the good, the bad, and the incredibly ugly things in my life into something good and beautiful, into a life that is rich and satisfying, a life that is pregnant with hope and possibilities for far greater beauty than I have yet known in my life. 

So as I sit here looking at the time knowing that, in a few minutes, I will be 40, I am filled to overflowing with gratitude and thanksgiving. My heart is overwhelmed with the goodness of God and with the gift of life that He has given to me. I am filled with hope for my future, and bubbling up with joy for that which lies ahead. I am looking forward to 40 and every day that comes after it.