Hmm....

That title sums it up. I am in a state of "hmmm". Like...what does this mean? What do I do? How do I respond? Hmmm....

Sometimes, I just don't know what to do. I have these options in front of me, some that are a bit shaky, a bit uncertain, others that will stretch me so much that I am not even sure they are viable, and all I feel like I can do right now is wait, say hmmm, and try not to over-analyze every.single.thing.

Even as I sit here pondering, I am reminded of my history with God. He likes to teach me about waiting and trusting. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of times that I have found myself in a place of waiting. I have even written about it and confessed that I might like the place of waiting and that when it was gone, I would miss it. What a crazy thing to say! He may have taken me up on that, because here I sit waiting and wondering and I DO NOT LIKE IT! Haha! I am a fickle human being for sure.

In the end though, the wait comes down to a trust issue for me. Do I trust the Lord to care for me, provide for me, watch over the affairs of my life with the love of a father? Do I trust that He is who He says He is?

When I look at it like that, I almost blush with embarrassment that I would allow a few little choices to cause me angst. Really?? He is the God of the universe and He is madly in love with me, attending to every moment of my life with diligence and care, knowing even the number of hairs on my head! He is good and kind and trustworthy. He is never late, never early, but He is always, always, always on time. His timing is perfect. Sigh....did you read that? I am going to say it again...His timing is perfect. There it is...beautiful truth. Truth that sets my heart at ease. Truth that reminds me that I need not worry or wonder. Truth that allows me to rest in His ability to take care of me.

I have been singing for years, in my song How Could I Love Another, that He is my friend, my savior, my maker and my husband. How quickly I forget. The role that has comforted me the most over the past 6 or 7 years is that of husband. This is not in a weird Jesus is my boyfriend way...because umm He is GOD not my boyfriend. This is simply the role that provides for me, cares for my heart, protects me, makes sure that I am not only loved but that I feel loved and draws me near to comfort me when I need it. Maybe that looks different to you, but for me, that is what it means. So...if He is all of those things to me and does all of those things for me, and I choose to believe it and walk in that truth, then I never ever need to worry or have angst about waiting. I know that His timing is perfect, His love for me is perfect, His provision for me is perfect, and on and on the list goes.

So really...I do not care if another living soul reads this post. I think today it served as a reminder. I started writing because I felt uneasy and frustrated  and as I write the truth, peace is flooding my heart. Sometimes all it takes is a reminder. So while I am still wondering what is next, what option to choose, if any, I can do it with peace in my heart and the knowledge that I serve a loving God who takes care of me.