So, I am pondering..in my own mind and heart and with Jesus...is it really possible to be whole? I mean we say it is, we trust God for it, but in this life, here on earth, is it possible? I have moments when I think I have it all together (really seconds..but moments does not sound as desperate), but truthfully, I am broken. I am really broken. I see it all the time, usually after a loving, honest friend reveals it. So, if I see it all the time..why am I so surprised every single time?
In the last couple months it has been brought to my attention by dear friends and the Father that I am seeking some of my wholeness from other people. This, friends,does not work. It just leads to more brokenness. People and things cannot fill the holes in our hearts...they cannot even patch the cracks very well. It is kind of like putting a band-aid on a severed limb. I feel certain it is fairly ineffective.
I have a feeling God is highlighting this stuff before I go to Kansas City for a reason. His timing is not by accident. He is purposeful. I have this feeling that God is about to do some "surgery"...some realigning...some healing of the age old foundations(35 years old in practical terms) . So many of my foundations are faulty. My confidence is built on the thoughts of others, my worth has been built on how others value me, my satisfaction is built upon how much you satisfy me. Yet, I know that I know that I know that my confidence is found in Him. I am a child of the living God. I know that I am valuable because He made me..and He makes no mistakes. I am never going to be satisfied by a man, a woman, a child, a house, a job, a relationship because ONLY HE SATISFIES.
So, I welcome the challenge to become whole in Him..to be fully found in Him, to be fully dependent on Him..even if I never have another friend, lover, spouse...I want to know Him and who I am in Him. So I boldly say to Him, come and have your way Jesus...I surrender it all..every relationship, every thing I have ever known to You. I am Yours.
5 comments:
Wow! I think you have highlighted what most cling to. I will be praying for you in this new adventure of leaning into Him.
This does sound like an exciting adventure! And I'm also glad you're back from the beach. Whew... what a long trip!! :)
You crack me up Janet. I guess I need to blog more than once a month. I certainly do not want people to think my life is stagnant.
Haha. No... nothing stagnant about your life. You are definitely on the rollercoaster and not the merry-go-round. Wheeeeeeee! Hold on tight!
I couldn't have said it better myself. Good stuff Amy.
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